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2011-04-12T14:57:00.001+08:00

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2011-04-12T14:56:00.001+08:00

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2011-04-12T14:53:00.001+08:00

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What do I lack?

2010-06-12T15:17:00.002+08:00

What else do I lack?

A good figure? a flawless complexion? focus on the right things, my own things more than the others?

well, i am figuring still....

Lazy lazy lazy

2010-04-23T20:50:00.003+08:00

Fell ill. Doctor said it is system crash. Topsy turvy. Goodness.

I figure that teh coffee and all kinds of fried food are considered sensitive food. I no longer can push myself to eat them however I wish to. Why do I say that? Because most places, including my workplace offers pretty much fried food and fried main course.

Therefore, I have decided to dig up all the simple-t0-do dishes cookbook and do it myself for my lunch. All the recollection of people asking to take care of my body started coming back to me. I really have to take care my body from now on.

I think it will take awhile, slowly preceedingly but surely let my body recover and cultivate a strong and healthy body again. Kept falling sick easily recently. It is not just right now, all these while I have not been careful enough so now it is just time to do exceedingly more to get on top of everything and make a body not just a heatly one but a strong and tough one. Muahahaha..

Lifestyle. I have many to thank to walk me through some of my bad habits to good one or better ones.

STILL so much to change...

1) a good environment
2) consistent routine habits
3) must-do-it-means-must-do-it killer attitude
4) culitvate myself to have a lady style lifestyle.
5) Mould myself to be classy and in-style and in-shape image.
5)excellent in everything I do. MESA.

I have Nine more months to do it.

just wanna be me

2010-02-20T23:34:00.005+08:00

Despite going through enough to find being emo useless and a nuisance, it seems like its just simply still a channel to let some reasonable emotions out.

I am lost. again.

Maybe because I am aimless at the moment, fighting seem so hard mentally to want to make life right keep it right, do the right thing, it really wears me down knowing I have only myself. Inwhich is actually good, since it is the beginning of independence in Not relying others to live your own life anymore. In fact, you should only need you to go on.

I really don't need much. I need you to be just around in my life as a mental support. You just need to be where you are. I really once needed this kind of living to go on. Relying someone as my heart's support to go on. Like a parasite in a very invisible way.

But now, I am gradually surppassing that as I see the outcome of it is indesirable too however subtle. Knowing it experiencially what it means to be responsible for your own life. You take care of yourself. And if you are blessed, you have someone else to cherish you like his gem.

I thank God, with all that has passed You helped me see my value and not let anyone or even myself to devalue my life in anyway anymore.

This is a new beginning once again, where the fruits bore from the lessons in life will be everlasting. A step and a time, I am reaching there.

Occasionally when I looked back at the loves and endearing past I still feel a sense of nostalgia and the feeling of gratefulness and tinges of unbearable lost.

Yet, I know its for our own good. Some love is to leave. Some love is to stop doing anything. When no words is better than lovely promise and no affection is better than showering attention.

We all have to go find our own life and fight for the course of our journey however painful.
Because of you I once again experienced true love. And I really don't want to waste time on unworthy people like in the past.

Set a new path now. And work hard on it. Make the rest of our life the greatest achievement to make everything in the past worth the price.

wow I am really using it!

2009-11-28T15:10:00.003+08:00

LG Joy.

the fake iphone I call it.
But for the first time I am using a mobile to access Free wireless Successfully and even blogging my first mobile post ever!

muhahaha! time to take over the world....

i miss you

2009-09-10T06:02:00.003+08:00

I miss you... do you miss me?

Of cos not. would you even think about me? Would it ever be anything good?

guess not.

Once again, i gave out my heart to the wrong man again. A man that will never in a million years look back, and still here I am sometimes thinking and missing you. Love can be so silly sometimes.

but it's okay. Now I am better, now I am healing. when my heartbeats for you stop beating, it is when I have found myself beating for a better cause.

Good bye, love, Good bye friend. cos I won't want to see you in a million years again.

As much as I want to.

I make myself silly, but it is okay. I would never regret daring to love.

God, heal my heart for the right man. tank Q :)

Back from Batam...

2009-08-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

Hmmm.... I went with a friend.

But now tired to blog need to edit the tons of pictures I took like a typical tourist.

Wait for the update!

New part time jobs!

2009-08-19T03:10:00.006+08:00

Dear little cupcakes,

I had another good day again today.

I was woken up by a ex-collegue's call to a lunch date we made yesterday and I took my time to get prepare before getting out of house with a little tinge of happiness perfume.

Lunch was good enough, she gets to eat at the Maxwell market she do not usually eat in and I get to have a little girlie chat with her.

Thereafter, went down for my annual checkup with my doctor. We had a little good chat about some updates. She is not feeling well, but her attitude and energy was shown through her.

Dissappointingly, I waited for the friend of mine to knock off from 5.30pm to 6.30pm. And well, he went off by himself in after ten minutes he could not find me because "he was in a hurry".

Amazingly, unlike before I was not upset. I refuse to be and it is really because he is simply not worth it. I have made a little decision to disown him as a friend since that was his last chance to disregard anyone for that matter a fact.

Well, it is really simple I forgive him and I WILL conveniently forget him totally too. Haha.

That being said, a closure is done and I am happy.

There is also an re-draft of the week's planning, cos busy Claudius, always busy wants to exchange currency by himself. I was left in the lurch again but at least he tried his best and thought the best so I would not fault.

It is really the attitude my friends. Attitude. I guess that is what you wanted me to have in the very beginning isn't it? Well, good news I have seek to live a redeem person from it all free to do what is rightfully to be done now. - for long I plan.

Beautiful Beautiful day, True Yoga called today and wanted to give me free concession to go for two weeks of their activities and programmes.

I mean why not? Since I am taking a short short break I guess a little exercise will do great in lifting my spirit even higher and of cause to lift those butterfly wings girl!

Conship? As cautious as I would, two weeks is just enough. Of cause, they don't have to know that do they? haha.

So there goes, Pilate maybe one of the first in the list since it is in my yearly resolution for quite some years now.

I can finally tick that box this year! Muahahaha.....

I'll plan to grab that pass on Friday, then go for intensive Pilate and other interesting classes from Monday onwards. Sounds good? Sounds goood...

And what is even amazing is that, the lady that spoke to me knows that I am looking for job and wanted to recommend me to her boss for the telemarketing part-time job she is performing now as well. Second part-time job in two days!

Later dinner with Ah Ma, had a pretty good chat and spreaded some love and the joy of me going for Batam trip this weekend to them. Guess what, I was blessed $50 from Ah ma, and $100 from Big Aunt (Jon's mum) for my Batam trip!!!! Yeah....Put it into the travelling fund wohoo~...

God is goood....He really provides. Abundantly! *\^_^/* weeee...

还是爱之情最伟大

2009-08-19T01:58:00.010+08:00

今天，刮了一息余风有惊无险的度过了一切。

当你和你关心的人起争执，闹得天崩地裂感情像被摇晃的建筑垮下来时你会如何是好？

这时的你，不嚷破喉咙不罢休；不比过胜负不甘心。
最后，最伤心的还是自己。

伤心当初为什么那么傻，给别人机会伤害自己。可是却不晓得认同别人伤害行为做受害者的人就是自己。

伤心为什么付出的却的不到因有回报对待。可是却不记得当初付出时知足的喜悦。

人，当受伤时唯一能感受到的眼前能看得到的，就只有别人欠你的还有别人对不起你的。
多伤感的画面啊！难道别人为你付出过的为你做过的即使是很小的事你都变成过眼云烟了吗？

心病还需心药医。

想好过点，就想想他曾经为你做过的事情。
难放手时，想想曾经一起走过的岁月和感情。
想释放时，原来只有原谅才能获得从新的自由心情。
想忘记时，才知道原来爱就是那么一回事。

说穿了，“吵” 就只不过是“口” 应该 “少”一点。

“伤”，不就是两个像“人”的在动“力”。

没道理为“吵”，闹得口沫横飞。
也不可能只为了“伤”，继续舞刀舞枪的。
所有的不过跟可是，十年后都会变得可笑。

到最后眼前心疼的人儿，和自己一样受伤。
就只怕你已经没办法察觉，来不及挽救了。

原来爱就是学习释怀伤痛，从新拥抱珍惜的人儿。
所有的感慨，却竟是从局外者的清醒。

NEW job opportunities!

2009-08-17T20:39:00.003+08:00

I think God is GOooOod!

Just received a call today from Jobstreet regarding a position as a customer service person for them.

Today has been a great day, everything went pretty well.

As you know, I went to collect my renewed passport from ICA. I was instructed by mail that I am suppose to bring the NRIC & current passport for collection, BUT I forgot to bring that darn slip of paper that has a little barcode to verify my application for a Q-number.

Thank God for their flexibility, I was able to scan my NRIC bar-code for Q-No. instead.

one thank you hit to God. *teng*

After getting the Q-No., lo and behold the multitudes of waves of human waiting for their turn in the sea of congregation.

I looked at the queue number's jumping speed, Twenty numbers away and I have only 30 minutes to spare in order not be late for lunch date with Joreen. I made a little prayer, and hope for the best that the numbers will jump quickly.

5 seconds after my hoping, I did happened! the numbers jumped like thrice the speed and suddenly my number appeared. I was bewildered cause the previous number was 7450 and mine is 7463. Then I remember the pre-appointment was taken into the consideration.

Oh man, that is really fantastic! within about just 10-15 minutes I collected my passport with the beautiful I/C photo inside was almost leaping out of the congested place.
i do not know about you, but that practically a pretty proven miracle of the little prayer I answered.

All thanks to that, I was 15 minutes early for the lunch date, and I get to be the nagging wife to Joreen for a Good change finally. hahaha.

From then things went pretty good. Coming back to the jobstreet's call, I managed to sent a pretty organized resume with some help and I think with some divine magic I am going to get the job!!! How exciting. Hohoho...

God is good. always. when you trust in Him.

SPA people called as well, but instead of that bad service person, another person by the name of June called. She is really nice, and she reminded me about the Batam trip I signed up for and she did assured that the room changes I requested for has been performed as well. Mmm... Thank you June! haha like she will see this.

However, she did mentioned something about a couple room for the spa treatment. I think she got the wrong idea. Hmmm. Anyway, I rather have over-passionate service than bad service!

Good day. :) Thank you Jesus.

How long can I last...

2009-08-17T20:07:00.005+08:00

You must be thinking how long can I last with this daily blogging right...

Well, you know it won't, once I start getting busy again. haha. There you go I broke your dream.

But I mean seriously, who reads this blog anyway right? I can count the people reading this darn thing within my ten fingers alright.

Well, unless if you are some random people that happen to know the only secret of how to get to here from FRIENDSTER link... Well HI! But I guess there is nothing much for you to get out of here. SO, I prophesy you will click away in about ten seconds time.

Anyway, Like the previous post, I am trying very hard to plan some activities with my available time now.

It is exhilarating to able to do everything I am doing now after such such a long time. Unfortunately, and sadly I realise that the time I have neglected my friends seems to get back to me. Some friends are actually not very keen that you actually contacted them after so long.

Yes, yes... my fault. Should have dropped an sms once in awhile, keep you in contact or did some thing like that.

BUT if there is any chance to salvage myself from the court of law & judgement, just let me proclaimed that I have been OBSESSED with work to the extent of no Human Contact other than the people I irritate everyday. Unless you have been irritated, you belong to people that was safe & sound not affected from this deficiency.

No, it is not really an very valid excuse enough but I guess I will have to get my hands dirty and do the salvaging work to manifest my repentence once again from this offense of the island-loner syndrome.

Well, there are lots of work to be done and I can not hang around waiting for them to come back can I?

Upcoming Week..

2009-08-17T03:18:00.003+08:00

Monday:

1) Collect renewed Passport
2)Visit Ex-Company to collect back my belonging
3) Meet CMY for cheese cake making ingredients purchasing

Tuesday:

1) Medial Checkup
2) Dinner with Ah Ma's cooking

Wednesday:

1) Exchange Currency(maybe)
2) Meet Huili for Lunch
3) Meet Shuzhen for tea break
4) Meet Benny for dinner (maybe)

Thursday:

1) Cheese cake making session with CMY
2) Send out resumes

Friday:

1) Preparation for Batam trip
2) Exchange currency

Saturday - Sunday:

AWAY to SPA & SHOPPING in BATAM!!!

As you can see, I am really getting some "work" before I go into a new job again. So if you are available to finally catch up together friends call me!! or I will call you...Muahaha!

Batam, my first tour trip!!

2009-08-16T16:33:00.002+08:00

I have never flown on an aeroplane, and not so soon in the near future.

BUT, at least I am going overseas! (yes, Over the seas.)

By Ferry I will pass the Singapore waters, rage the waves of foreigner's sea towards my little adventure getaway from the urban life that I am now so tiresome of.

I has been quite a year, work has toiled my tired soul reduced to a longing spirit.

It will take some actual action, to revive and refind the inner self, the true soul & spirit that lives within this almost healthy body.

So what is more rewarding than a spa treatment away from all the buzzing cities in a serene & peaceful beach of Batam?

Even the though the package I have signed up for does not sound that great after reading some review (After I have made payment so what can I do right?), but I guess for the budget and ideas included in the package who is complaining?

Take a look:

Package A (Ocean View Package) includes:

2-way ferry tickets (Sin-Batam-Sin)
Meet & Greet services at Sekupang Ferry Terminal
Land transfer (Sekupang-Resort-Sekupang)
1 Night Accommodation at KTM Resort with Breakfast
90mins Ocean View Spa(foot bath, hydro bath & full body massage)
Batam City / Shopping Tour with local guide on 2nd Day
Seafood lunch on 2nd Day
http://www.batamspavilla.com/packages.html

Price: $108*

I mean base on the study of the review, alot of fishes has been "cheated" into the net.

The conditions of the resort is less than expectation if you are looking for a luxury kind. It is really the Kampong type.

But for me, I guess somewhere quiet is exactly what I need right now so I am not picky with the budget.

I just need to be away totally for awhile.....

Messed up

2009-08-16T16:28:00.003+08:00

Before the glory of the fruits bears forth, choas & confusion is inevitable.

A messed up life is simply a reflection of the inner lostness hide within the soul, captured in the state of mind that is just but a stage of life right before you re-knowing a deeper understanding of yourself;

if you keep on walking on to find the answer.

I am back finally.

2009-08-15T22:02:00.002+08:00

Here, again.

Felt like I have been to a very long vacation.

No, a very very long hitch hiking to difficult places and some enchanted forest enlightenments.

Through the black pits of confusion & despair, bracing self with an strong armor created by your own bare hands; emerging out of them with a certain light if clarity of things once unseen.

Now, standing on the crossroad again, finding back my real self from all these toils & pain through this four months of "training".

It has been 3 days since my last view of sunlight, hiding from the world with discontent.

Now, the time to re-establish my life again with the right ingredients gotten from the tested fiery furnace and manifest into my own life the new Light that I have gotten within me.

Where shall start? Let the light guide me again...

Surviving and on the way to Success

2009-06-30T03:54:00.003+08:00

Fruitfulness, I am successfully bearing fruits....Good fruits that will last.

Chipster, mars bar and ice cream cone...

2009-04-05T19:53:00.002+08:00

Such is the things I use to console my soulish brokenness whenever castasrophic things happened.

How much do I have to endure to finally see some light at the end of the tunnel?

Troubles like Tv flashes across the screen one after another in a downward manner, yet I but a small pixel braving against the millions going the opposite direction.

one bad interview, one irresponsive trust man and one confuse me.

They say I am confused, is it wrong?

They question if I am sincere, but they can longer trust their eyes.

They request for garantee to stay long, but even themselves can not promise to hire me forever.

So why so much redundance?

er hem...

2009-04-02T03:34:00.004+08:00

I did it.

The letter writes a few strands of deadlines and official excuse for leaving, and there you go signing off with my signature I am now officially out of this place...

The general manager had to make an formality type of discussion for the resignation. Filling a resignation form and for reason for leaving, he had fill up only what is acceptable as an excuse to him for accountability's sake.

He knows what is wrong, he just refuse to see it as a wrong but a company culture. A company culture that tortures and keeps your feet enthusiatically running away instead of staying, it is as if it is chasing everyone away only to leave the company like a haunted house.
After simply pointing out what is wrong and my declination to be part of the mis-match position that my post has eventually become, I declare a final rest with the hypocrtical peace.

What is left to do now is just to cruise through the remaining twenty-four hours of appointment obligation and I will be heading straight to new hopes and adventures.

They say adventurers can not be contained, but I bet to differ a bit.
Only a place deserving of adventures keeps an adventurer contained.

Many thought it was a foolish move, a move for the impulse to leave so suddenly without sanity.
I guess they have underestimated me.

It was not sudden, let alone unprepared.

Only my one or two friends felt the pain though unneccessary but touching.
The rest of them generally watch how the waves turns to and fro day after day, only interested mostly in their own welfare and survival.

Realistic. I am only another example of the many too countless and too insignificant chess leaving the chessboard.

I recalled saying this to my general manager: "It is always easier to give up."
Little did he know that what I really meant is I have already fought the hardest way through and yet still coming back to this option to reflect that there is already no possible reason for me to stay.

I feel silly playing this game. I feel sad for the people still playing this silly game all because they have relent to the fact that they have no choice.

Bull shit.

It takes guts to pull the shit out of you. haha so literally true.

Sleeping Beauty

2009-03-28T08:52:00.002+08:00

He stripped his cloak off and covered her already chilled and frail body with loving gentleness.

It is stormy and pouring outside, yet she is deep asleep by the side corner of a couch curled up like a shrunk cocoon. He stared at her as she continues to sleep away peacefully through all the chaos out there. How can anyone be so undisturbed in their own world when the rest of the world is frantically buzzing around busily? Something about her expression on her face, about the sweetness of her rest and her much beautiful and edible pair of lips even though it is shivering; that churned his heartbeats faster to near breath experience. He took a deep breath as he withdraws from his moment of weakness, attempting to cool himself down from this raging beauty right in front of him. He leaned back and took glance at her again. Finally he stood up, decided that a cloak is not good enough, concluded to bend down hesitantly to carry her onto the couch. Her icy skin was exposed from his cloak and lay upon his warm and well toned arms. The chill went all the way into his heart again. He stopped, changed his mind to move her to somewhere much warmer.

Right behind him his bed room waits silently. He turned around and head straight to it, and looked at her to see if the sudden movement has caused her to wake up. He exhaled in relieve that she is still sound asleep and carry on moving as quietly as a mouse towards his bed where the warmers and puffy cushions lie comfortably there.

“Here we go.” he whispers has he glide open the door with one leg while balancing her on the other. He laid her onto his bed where her head sunk into the huge puffy pillow making her look like a little people on the gigantic bed. He continues to grab the quilt and spread it over as she unconsciously made herself comfortably cuddled under it. He smiled at her little moves and his successful attempt to make her more comfortable.

In minutes, the warmers were switched on and cushions placed closely by her sides and he pulled an arm chair for himself by the side of the bed where she is. As he maneuvers himself in slow motion onto the chair, he feels his every muscle resting against the metallic flat and cold seat. He exhaled again and looked at her, frigid a little uncomfortably to adjust his placement and smiled. At least she stops shivering now.
As he observed her lips has curled slightly on both sides but perfectly still. He continues to look at her for the next few very short moments. Thoughts ran through his mind like an hypnotic chant. “Just one touch of these lips, just one taste of it will do…” Unconsciously his lips is already so near to her very breath by now and the distance compelled warning to his mind as his adrenaline began to rush through his body. He paused feeling her breath to his, still yearning for her lips, his eyes roamed around her rosy cheeks and the black and thick eyelashes that held itself tight to her curved and smooth eyelids now closed. He wondered how it would be like if her radiant eyes were opened right here right now.
At the thought of it, he finally could take it no longer and withdraws himself back repulsively while shaking his head in resent, convicted to get the temptation off his mind.

Retreating back to his arm chair still fighting hard against his inner devil, he jump out of the chair to pour himself down into a basin of cool and collected water. This should calm him down he thought. There is something about this woman on my bed he thought again.

Finally, he grabbed a hold of himself and releases himself out of the washroom took one more breath of calmness and head back to where his heart would beat again. Beaten by now, from the whole day of work and its constant attack on the human soul; he finally seek refuge just by the bed side back where she is. As he rested his face at a good spot to keep his eyes on her, he finds himself giving a secret but knowing peck on her tender cheek. Slowly but surely, fell unconscious resting at last right within the warmth of her breath and fragrance that only lingers in her presence.

Significant change

2009-03-27T02:13:00.002+08:00

The Significance is not in the event but it is the change within that carries out the event even as the circumstances arise around you.

3rd - 6th April

Coming soon...

Searching Gems

2009-03-26T04:29:00.003+08:00

Another piece written out of my depressing inspiration...

I called it the Searching Gems.

Before night begins to turn into dawn a quarter pass five in the morning, there is stillness in the air that sets all dust to rest where it belongs.

Here I am pondering by the window sill, the kind of thoughts which go deep through the dark tunnels into the secret chambers of my heart. Glancing at the moonlit night sky, I closed my smooth but worn out pearls of life and listen to what is within.

Now my ears give me vision, listening to every beat of my heart in earnest search of the real truth hidden from reality and all the players of the games of life. Beneath all the layers of assumed identities and obliging social behaviors, lies only one real being as genuine and precious as the rarest gem. My heart is crying, crying out aloud intensely for the truth to be told. Like a wondering spirit my soul seemed gleamed with a sense of lost in the castle forged to hide and protect the delicate and fragile innocence. Yes, lost in the maze built by its own creator how many has failed to find their real self in their own Babylon tower of lies? How will one ever know what is really true, if he do not know who he truly is under all that lie and assumption he told himself over the growing year?

Unsettling thoughts begin to swirl like winds over the wavering seas, still struggling hard to make calm all uncertainties’ restlessness for the longest time. However painful the lonely walk through cliffs and valleys, chastened endurance has taken root into character allowing my mind to take its time to overcome thoughts of doubt one at a time, slowly but surely. Clouding doubts are cleared like the washing rain as courage fought like vanguard to rescue the answers whispering all so gently within the deep chambers of the heart. Suddenly it seemed that darkness has lost all grips of fear bit by bit; they are just but shadows of the coming light of truth yet to known.

In this lifetime of truth and lies, I figure only one who does not give up mining will find the rarest gem of oneself. As he continues to embark, he will enjoy the fruits of his labor as he lives in the light of himself even as he grows.

Once again I lit up my eyes and gazed upon the glowing sky, observing the guiding moon withdrawing itself for the day break all over again. I marveled at how the darkest lonely moment always turn into new beginnings and it will always be so till time gives up.

He....

2009-03-20T03:02:00.004+08:00

He sat there.

Once in awhile he'll look over at my side, yet refraining himself to catch too much attention from me.

With a deep and mature voice, flows and flows of eloquency that comes out of his mouth creates a beautiful tune. It caught many hearts on all the ears who would have heard it.

As you turn to look back in search of this charming voice, you see a smiling face though friendly but leaves an impression of strength. Through his eyes, though deep and sturdy reveal a certain warmth from the sincerity that he is lets himself be as he align his sight to yours.

A jolt of intense electrons simply rush through my muscles, awaking me back to reality, to the task that is at hand now. I quickly hassle to get my cell phone back to grip in hand from the previously dangling state when I was lost in his eyes.

He is rich, I know as he stroke out a note of a thousand to pay for some snacks, drives a lambogini somewhat too young and tall for that and aways hang out with another friend with something like a rich-people kind of car.

With such high profile status and chilling style, I wonder he will ever look at me in interest even after he has felt the invisible tension that attracts each other. Just a old farm girl like me, working in such a drinking place would any man give proper attention for such a status compared to them?

Then I came back to my senses, I am not one of them here and I do not belong here. It is just a transition period and I definitely am far better than all these things. So it makes no point wondering about something like that since whatever I felt just now is clearly not me at all. But even so, for such a rich person I wonder if he is a man that respects people for their character or for the competitive assets they have compare to him?

As he left, he turned and smiled and thanked when I greeted him good bye. He does not seemed like the cold and arrogant type. How would a man like him be?

He took another cigarette out and really consumed it like he was hungry again after all the food and drinks. There is really something about the hunger I have observed here of every smoker, every drinker, every flirtatious smile, every flamboyant move, every speech to sweep your feet off into their side with their beauty and charm. All this I am indifferent of.

I respect the people here for their efforts of diligence but I do not belong here.

So away with the charms that does not last, away with the real face and truth hidden under the romantic lime light away with whatever superficial attraction that means at best vanity or at worst trouble.

I greet you goodbye.

.
.
.
.
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How's my work inspired short-story?

I think I can improve my language by practising my personality and eloquence in expression with this kind of short story inspiration. Pretty good idea right?
haha..

Vanhorl

2009-03-17T05:47:00.002+08:00

Vanhorl was obediently just seating right there when I arrived back home as usual at about 3am.

I can't bear to see it just hid in there in the cosy sleeve from the cold weathere not accompanied with my abundance of warmth. So I grabbed it and lo and behold...

i dropped on to the floor from my red stool I prepared to set it on and cyber away, and knocked onto the ground. ahhhhh....

Thank God it is sturdy and hard. He is still fine.
I further reconfirm he is my knight in shining armor. haha..

And now? it is almost six. dun worry I am just testing the battery life I am not going to be like this always.

In as much excuses I give myself to play with my new toy, and giving my best to fully utilise and enable it to fully serve for my personal joy with all the programs and installations, I still have got so much I wanna do with it and I am simply enjoying my time to do it!

He is an angel, like an abiding one that serve like a genie delivering to me all I will to have.

good performance, still looking for a skin to personalise it. maybe a knighty cool dark looking one, or a gentle bright lighter floral one.

Mmmm... taste of freedom.

I miss You.

2009-03-17T05:44:00.002+08:00

I miss you God.

I miss you mum.

I miss you my friends.

I miss you my life.

where am I?

I Made IT!

2009-03-16T02:40:00.002+08:00

Nothing very very important...

IT's just that I have finally gotten out of the clutches of evil cum desperate psyhopath, and finally get back my $300 for my notebook.

And I manage to get the good deal out of the COMEX IT show, last day today and still get the same good deal offered by psychopath previously.

How wonderful is that!

All wouldn't have happened if it is not for Claudius, a pair of skilled and crafted brains had delivered me out of those unsightly clutches.

It was promised to me that I would have gotten my beloved Vanhorl 3 weeks ago.
That online supplier which I have found and given deposit for a pink Lenovo S10 had promise to meet me and hand me the netbook with the rest of the settlement.

Little did I know that this fraud had not delivered it and keep dragging time and had wasted much of my time and my PRECIOUS Off days just to let him screw it all up.
He kept threatening me with my $300 in his keep to make me his girlfriend. How silly can a man ever get?

What was deemed as a little get-back on him by asking someone to be my boyfriend turned out to be a warfare of intelligence over smses and all credits to my savior, I am now finally set free from all these impeccable nonsense.

I really felt so relieved after finally gotten the white lenovo with the same good specs at the same good price which was 100 bucks cheaper than the usual market rate outside before the IT show happened. On top of that I further got a 1G RAM upgrade for free since it was the last day.

Claudius kept saying that white is so much better than pink, but I bet to differ. Period.
Nevertheless, I am just glad my gloomy night has turned to dawn with sunshine smiling bright at me.

I name my white guy Vanhorl, like a shining warrior emerging victoriously out of a vicious battle.

So beatened by all the emotional intensity.

much less talking about work. I shall leave it till next time.

Vanhorl is convenient up till now ^_^ Shall reveal more about him soon!
Hail Freedom at last to the cyberworld!

I'm making some new friends...

2009-02-18T03:53:00.003+08:00

I am making some new friends recently...and I can not wait till I finally meet him face to face, so I am showing you a photo of him I got online first.

Meet Lenovo S10

I have known too much about him and I have decided to tie the knot.

This Thursday would be my first and important meet up and I am only too eager to get him back to my arms.

Yes, I know he's only ten inch tall and pretty flat and light but I guess that makes him the best company in a afternoon of movies series at a cozy cafe right uptown, and that makes him a less of a trainer on my already popping mouse in my arms.

No, he is not really all I need to satisfy my memories and lusts but I guess his lightheartedness and quick-to-respond attitude has won my heart, plus he comes with a longer lifespan of six hours without me having to charge him up another round.

And oh-so-yes.... what a prince charming on white horse he is. Who can resist such charm?
plus he is definite not as arrogant in paying the price compare to other competitors out there...

I particularly like the unbiased comparison about him with other boys here.

Am I really serious about him you ask, even if he can not rewrite what I have given him?
Wells certainly, who minds it when he has got so much qualities in him.

I am thinking about how to name him on Thursday now.. hm...

Night Job

2009-02-06T03:33:00.003+08:00

Every night, I end work at one to two am in the morning and wait for the bus that will send me back home right to my door step.

In the morning hours, I have my supper and go to bed with a tired body and a worned out soul. Sleep become the utmost important thing every morning when I reach my doorstep.

If life is as simple as above, maybe I would have been a little less tense.

Let me try to re-illustrate the real thing in specific detail:

Every night, after I have finish my work of talking and serving the customers till late night about one to two am as a Public Relation Officer in a villa-like restaurant and bar; I can't wait to hop into the bus that will bring me back to my sweet dreams.

As my boss doesn't provide and food, I would be almost gauging my food at the end of the day. What's more, working night entitles you a tired body and a fatigue soul at the end of every night.
So, sleep and pampering yourself on off days and in the day would be utmost importance as you only have one off day per week. yes, six days of night work.

I told myself what I need is a good system that will keep me going in a efficient and orderly manner physically and pschologically. Till now I am still working on it. haha...

Irregardless of all these, I find joy in the work I am doing now. Talking to many people and solving many customer's problems and making their trip a satisfied one bring satisfaction and sense of achievement at the end of the day.

What I never really prepared for which I now have, is the tiresome repetition of customer and unreasonable request day after day. You are like a mechanic that keeps the customer from going off boundary. I do see this repetition as a trainging for Excellence.

Joyce Meyer quoted, "Excellence is but a habit".

Habit is something you do repetitively until it is in you. Which miss excellence is in you.

So here you go to why I am doing what I am doing now everyday.

Doing night job also has it's own flair of "excitement", other than meeting different kinds of people. In fact it is precisely the opportunity of meeting different people that brings about the interesting things good and bad that you encounter everyday that you need God's wisdom to discern what to do.

Wanna know some of the highlights so far?

Hm, let's see...

I have a malay bus driver uncle that ride me home everyday that asked me out for drinks, as in drinking with his friends...during CNY -_-"

I have customer scolding me "stupid" and a customer who is a suitor that bought about at least $60 of Hagan dusk ice cream with many flavors for me on the same day

I have at most at one time 4-5 problems to attend to at one go and you have to attend to them in a short time given the resources, that's when you cry for wisdom from God.

I have collegues that does not know how to behave themselves at times and you have to take good care of the issues and their feelings at the same time.

More than everything that happens from day to day basis, I still Thank God for they people He placed around my collegues mostly to help me and guide when I needed guidance and assistance. Other than the few, I actually have many good collegues now and they make working more enjoyable as we learn to help each other out everyday. So I am in a good environment to work in now and I am contented for now.

Nevertheless, I miss you even more my friend I miss you my God, because of the difference in timing. I have come to a place where you will even cherish what you have even more. If you miss me too come look for me cos I need you to find time for me now.

Happy Chinese New Year

2009-01-27T05:04:00.002+08:00

Man, must be the season and the blossoms of sakuras.

I have 3 guys interested in me at the same time. But all are to none of my liking really. -_-

I admired one guy at my work place, too bad he already has a girlfriend. Notice, I said admire. I figure he is far to appreciate and not really cool to be of "ulterior motive".

Sometimes I asked what irony is it that when you are not thinking about it, and here comes some situations that would trigger you to think about it, and what is even more ironic is that none of them are suitable for you. hahaha.

U WILL really have what you wish for. Be careful what you wish for.

If you have read my new year post, I guess you would have caught that one of my hope this year is to meet the "right man". Apparently I am no where near yet, but hey at least it has begin to work, and as you can see I am pretty much enjoying the process of it. Hohoho...that is so long they dun become an issue.

Chinese New Year is great this year, cos I got to see my older cousins that usually would just hide somewhere else from us during this period of the year. I think it really takes alot of guts to appear after so long. Appluase for their courage...*piah piah piah piah*

food = average
ang bao = can always be better but I am just glad it kept the target hoho
ah ma''s love = still as always
family gossips = amazingly low this year

Everyone seems to be restrained a little more this year and just enjoyed their preferred company.

As you can see I am running on low memory speed and articulation. Shall continue later.

The best program has yet to come! Thank God for ang baos and loves!

2008

2008-12-29T01:51:00.006+08:00

Yea.. it is coming to an end soon. And I am only glad that I can manage to get my life stabilized by this year. In which I can cos my first day of work in my new post starts today!!!

Alright, I have been working hard on part times just to get enough cash to survive through my first month of work gracefully before my First Salary. ^_^
So... I really have no mood to get all excited cos I am really that very tired. I have been in disappearing action for the past 2 weeks in services and cg too cos I have to go for make up and all. Really feel a bit drawn out from the cg but I know I'll be fine after this week.

The only problem left is to get enough cash till I get my pay for my part times which I really hope they can do it in advance...okay wishful thinking but it doesn't cost to wish haha...

I know I have been really emo lately on blog.. and that's only bcos I really am.-_-
So bear with me cos my brighter days are coming real soon. Actually planned that after getting a stable job and getting my lifestyle settled and stable I could start saving up for my Hospitality degree that I really wanted to take. In fact, I already found a job in this line @ Oosh and the pay is higher too. The only thing is it's a night job, and it's definitely not your 8-5 office job nor is it good for your skin complexion.... BUT I have really grown to fall in love with the place though other than some unpleasant stuff of cos. I hope you are catching me alright, just in case you are not, I have two job offers at hand now and I am thinking which to go into.

WELL, what can I say God is simply too good, when you want just one He gives you 2 to choose. What a wonderful God. Anw, I was really fretting over this decision for the past few days it's almost mind bogging cos all I can think about and draw about is salary comparison, environment people and many other considerations in the comparision.

Even though it is really hard to decide my interst seems to go to Oosh the night job as Public Relations Officer. Totally my thing and I really like working with most of the people there, I might even say I have grown to love it. But then, my heart and mind seems to go towards working for Trainingvision a training company with office hours most of the time even though it doesn't really feel very exciting to me yet. I don't know, seems like it just feel more like a rested and right choice to make. Anyway I could still continue part time at Oosh first so I guess it is wiser?

Well, for now I guess I will just stick with stability. night jobs are getting to me too. Imagine having to work six days a week and your weekends and public holidays are taken up..actually I wasn't really bothered about it but thought that this would affect church and the time I can meet my friends which is already too little. So let's make some new year resolution before the year begin shall we? yea, this gets me excited..

2009

1) NEW NOTEBOOK!!!!! how I wish it would just drop from heaven like immediately!!! And of cos what's notebook without broadband?

2) Stay and get prosper in my line of work and save up for all my needs and assets.

3) Spend quality time with family and friends.

4) Explore somewhere other than my own country

5) Financial breakthrough and prosperity

6) Learn and get polish in some new skills - dance and piano

7) meet someone right

and I'll be a satisfied women.

Thank God for everything in advance. haha.. :P

First day @ Settler's

2008-12-15T03:41:00.005+08:00

Settler's Cafe...

hm... really more like a adventurer's temporal hideout.
All they hired mostly are students and there's only one full time staff.
I don't think I see a career here, but its definitely going to give me some cash and a good kick start for a hosptality career experience.

The people there are really nice, casual, easy going and everyone always take upteem intiative in everything they do. How they work really reveals how much passion they have in their games and work place that inhabit it all. I guess that is what I am missing all this while, and suddenly I get to envision the whole picture into not just my mind but it is the heart. You simply just know what to do because you own it. They whole place is really run by mostly students and it is a great place to work and play. Not exactly the kind of place for the career I have in mind but a perfect place just a taste of the beginning of it. You learn how to run a cafe all by yourself, how cool is that?

I am thinking of picking up a Hospitality diploma or degree, or maybe Business Entrepreneurship. On the flip side, I could take courses from the training programs under WDA affiliated training schools to be equipped.

I desire to offer high society class service, learn beyond just the excellent standards but passionate, professional in service.

Someone called me today and ask how long will I stay in the Insurance line. Suddenly a simple question shoke me. Unfortunately, I gave a very short term answer for the market's expectation. It's Irony.

At one hand I am doing Insurance already as part time and have to take up other part time jobs to sustain so I can keep up, on the other hand I keep feeling like it is time to throw in the towel.
They keep saying that I have the potential, but I guess what I lack is enough passion?
Nevertheless, I never thought of giving up. I fought so hard internally and financially. It is so easy to just let go of everything, yet I have a vast sense of responsibility over the people who had trusted me with their future finances. No way am I giving up! Unfortunately reality kicks in and it is been almost a year and the results is not one that reflects positivity. People around keep telling me I am better off somewhere, and I finally had to agree with them. It all happen because my last hope was crushed, but it is a good thing, in fact it is great! Else I would not have known there is something so much more for me. First the Seperation then the Filling in of things. What a Revelation!

Everything is going back to beginning all over again in my career, and this time I am certainly solid sure of what and where exactly I should do and go...In His stride and guidance.

a new step

2008-12-09T01:43:00.003+08:00

clouds storms and winters...

rain that drains, wind that faints..

now all are finally subsiding and the pain it brings are gradually healing up.

结束吧！

不在做败仗腐儒，重新战起胜利

让新的生命萌芽，让心灵找回原本的自我。
不在挣扎，应许用最真实的自己面对未来和人生。
不再为不属于我的地方委屈求生，
从今只为原本的意愿做勤奋，去争取，去征服。
自由为我而生，快乐为我追随
只因确确实实，勇往直前不退缩地生活
才是最终的幸福。

Slowly but surely, time will show the way.
All I need to do is to be true to myself.

I will prosper.
and I will have the right man the right way.

green resentment

2008-12-02T21:01:00.002+08:00

Denial.

What's the point of waiting

What's the point of trying

What's the point of sticking on

What's the point of holding on

What's the point of believing

when all you get is failures, painstaking, rejection and endless heartbreaks.

Then I asked myself, have I come to an end, should I move on now the my heart almost stop beating?

Then I asked myself, all the decisions and the person I left behind... does it still make a difference?

If it's the same, would I rather go back to the past than looking for what the future can give?

Then, if i were to give up my ideals and perceptions....

and I wish to go back to my most sweet love, would you still accept me?

would you still take me swimming, let me use your internet, take long stroll around you neighborhood and nag at me when I ate too much chicken cutlet @ your neighborhood market.

Would you cry over me because I didn't listen to you and get enough rest and always tire myself out that breaks my heart?

would you still feed me when i sprained my wrist and bring me to nice dinners once in awhile and takes lots of nice picture?

It's weird, with so much pain yet the only person i remember is you.

But... if I go back now, I know we have changed, I know I might bring pain I can not be the one to do that.

I know you fought hard for the life you live...

I know I still needs to carry on fighting mine...

just thinking if I were to give up everything I would come to you.

All the things I hold true to, seems to meet with a big setback...

in response for a few moments I let myself go and I did some crazy and dangerous things that I thought I should never do, and the implications of it...

It's time to gear back, right on time.

Time to brace up and get myself together bring my life back the bright and sunny road.
Bring back the best and renewed, even better han nee..

Is there ever a place for me?

2008-11-21T01:47:00.003+08:00

Time to rethink what it means to exist...

So crushed to pieces that I need to regain consciousness on which peice to pick up first.

I feel so tired to the extent of faigue, to the extent of letting go, to the extent of dissappearing for awhile to an unknown island to rethink my life. Pst Tan spoke something right into my heart today: "Do you determine your identity by what you do or who you know you are?"

Hit me like a air plane. It is out of who you know you are, that you do what you do such as your career. Maybe that's why I felt so lost. My identity still really needs more affirmation about who I really am and not what I did.

I feel like I need to dissappear, I need a runaway from my home, from everybody I know from my identity. I need a refuge place.

maybe a club, maybe a friend's place doing manucure and face mask, maybe a night at the west coast, maybe a holiday hideaway that I don't have the cash to pay now...

I'm even thinking of taunting a night at the 24hr mac eating and drinking and watching online dramas till I tire myself.

There is many ways to compel yourself to the limit so you can get a temporal relief to help you forget some pain...

Aren't you glad I didn't mention drinking?:)

No, I am not going to do anything that hurt my body...

At this stage, I am trying to make sure I am on track by having some good fun that is wise and doesn't get me into trouble while being able to relax and relief some distress.

I choose the good fun. so away with clubbing until I am stable.

Normal chill outs. but I need a grand one this time, something like a escape for awhile but I guess I can't do that until I get my priorities settled too.

Yes I am desperate for emotional release... but don't ever for one second take this as my weakness.

Suddenly it didn't felt so bad afterall, after writing it out.

Suddenly I realise there isn't much friends I can turn to.

Maybe it is time to reflect on this too...

write in on how you feel about me?:)

painting

2008-11-21T01:09:00.002+08:00

painting.

if you are painting a drawing, will you paint it with so much effort and destroy it half way?

NO. no one in the right mind will do such a thing.

But what if you've spent so much time on it and devote half your life on it and realise that what you are painting began to resemble something you really don't know if you'd like it?

What if the scenary began to change into something totally different from what you originally started with as the day grows dark?

Would you get angry at the darkness that sets in? would you get dissappointed that you couldn't have a chance to finish the painting in time after spending so much time and effort on it?

Or would you get so dissappointed that you don't really know what to do, lost without a sense of purpose on what to do next about the half painted drawing?

What if it's a painting that depicts your next ten years of future?

What to do next?

After putting all my effort, and the stabborn stains still wouldn't come off; I am filled with indignant, anger and rage about everything.

Indifference peeks in through the shocking wound, and I am stunned to brokenness.

It felt like a strong tight slap on my fat cheek, what a Slap!

A slap that leaves me rooted to the ground knocked down from my pose for at least the next few days before I can gather the strength and thoughts to recompose again.

This time's it. I've been knocked down too many time I can't count but this knock...

it's not the same.

Don't rush me to stand up again, I will only become bitter

Don't get me up with your words of high inspiration, I think that's fake

Don't let me see what is right, it will only prove how worse I am

Don't give me your words of wisdom, I don't need your self righteousness

Don't leave me either, cos I am left without help.

Just give me time to heal and regenerate myself fully again, just give me leeway to reinhabit my reality in the original light of my identity that God has gave once more.

Bloated

2008-10-26T04:34:00.002+08:00

If today (Saturday 25th) you see me really soul-out even in a bunch of lively crowd...

Congratulation, you are really my friend.

Actually, I don't really know the reason why I feel the way I felt. It's simply just a Jumbo pack.

It's like everything is happening so fast outside and going on paced-up layer upon layer that internally you haven't really quite catch up altogether.

I believe you definitely know what I am talking about.

Updating Uncertained State Of Mind

2008-10-21T19:10:00.005+08:00

Up and then down... Up and then down again...

Got a little discouraged lately...

cos.. of many little things, so much so I seemed to have lost the faith to keep going.
For a short while, I am simply a whole set piece of flesh living and doing the work in motion.

No, I have not given up! I am just simply passing by some low points, but still holding with every little ounce of faith and strength I still have to keep going on til I see the light once again.

It's the only certain that I found in Christ, that no matter how dark the situation may seem light still prevails in time in the end. I believe.

And Praise God! Light did came and faith was lifted up again. There's simply too many little miracles to proof my point with my tired mind now not able to articulate the specifics. Just know the fact. haha..

I "lost" my part time job some time ago and I was pretty stunned. Cos, honestly that's the job that is paying for most of my bread and butter. They have reached a season that does not require any extra hands I am pend on til January when they need help again.

I was so numb or I should say I have went through so much "Trial" that I simply feel nothing now. it is a good thing right? Yet the thought of bread and butter and other burdens sets into the picture and you simply wanna ask: "HOW GOD?"

Yet I made a faith promise that He alone is my provider and a awesome uncomparable one, and I grit my teeth from worries and fears.

In less that 4 days later, I was offered with a job in my favorite company and I am supported with a part time job that can continue to keep my finance running. I was so delighted, and what's more it might becoome a permanent job! Though I have some uncertainties about the future on how I could finally establish my business and full time job together since they are related and other stuff. Yet I have peace I am in the right place and I am going to do very well now.

Nevertherless, I will just simply take it a step at time continue to trust in God's hands as he unfolds his truth of life.

"You are young, so live the life out!"

Oh dear Lavene

2008-10-06T20:13:00.003+08:00

I thought something was wrong with him.

The camera in camera mode flash mode didn't respond to any shortcut key signal or touch screen button.

*sad violin playing*....

I prayed for a healthy phone. I was tempted to ask God why it didn't happened.
I even took leave down to Sony Ericsson Service Center so that I could get Lavene fixed.
Heart burdened...thoughts that went through my mind was not that pretty. I thought of the process that Lavene have to go through, and I ask "would there be scratches?", "would the people handling be responsible enough to make sure the rest of the areas maintain Undefect?"..
bla bla bla..can't stand myself.

Anyway, I made my trip down to see the "doctor" today, the service speed was still alright I didn't really waited very long, one tick.

A young looking service lady attended to me, "so here's my doctor" I thought. I explained the symtoms of defect. Apparantly, I am a little paranoid and mistook a hiccup as a choke.

The lady simply explained that you just have to do a reset on your settings again to activate flash.

Question: so where is the function that disable flash? apparently no settings in it as a fuction called disable flash totally non responsive to your touch or shortcut key.

The lady could not give me a definite answer and said it is just in the setting. Apparently, she can not answer my question as such I went on to state clearly that it looks more like a defect. So does it mean that I have to do a reset whenever it happen again?

Her face changed, and afterwards she offered an upgrade of the phone's software. Bits of previous thoughts floated over my head and I decided to take chance.

NO way~ is my phone leaving me. haha....

Then while in the midst of my lunch(@ 5.30pm -_-") I decided to investigate what is really the truth about the "weird behavior"...

Guess what, all the settings resetted are the same as before except this function called "Image Stablizer". After further testing I realise I had mistoken a perfect condition phone simply because I just couldn't understand how it work fully yet. God did blessed me with a perfect phone.

What a waste of time. "Why didn't I think of that(reset) earlier?" --___--""

Afterwards I felt bad that I treated the lady a bit strict just now, she was right afterall - just not exactly right. hahaha... so... I give her two ticks for her good service. hahaha!...See excellence make a very big difference in impression.

Thank God it was alright. Then, once again felt like I was tested on how I would resepond even if God didnt' answer my prayer.

Nevertheless, I am simply grateful that all things work out well for all those who love Him and is following His ways. ^_^

The day I got my phone

2008-10-06T19:43:00.005+08:00

Dated 01/10/2008

I actually couldn’t. I just have exactly enough budget to pay for the phone at THE promotional price with the aid of the 100 dollars voucher starhub gave.

I was wrong.

Turned out that I missed out this part of the T&C:

Voucher is to be use to purchase a new handset for lost of mobile phone at RETAIL price!

*Thunder thunder*..*and some more lightning*..
After that I didn’t even felt upset, I went straight to disappointment department. Didn’t feel anything at all actually, functioned like a fast paced computer and immediately scanning through all the options I can take. So… I realize I just trusted God to provide a way then, I headed to the counter when I was called, re-explained the whole scenario and put it in a way I can actually use the voucher (eh ge siao ge siao haha) but of cause it did not work out la. Haha.

After negotiating for about 20 minutes, I decide I am going to get the phone no matter what so the only way is to upgrade my plan a little and I could get the phone at less a 100.
Right then, the service person called up the HQ and enquire about the whole billing issue of upgrading to new plan which mean it will cost a bomb at the next billing(o_o choked!) and Starhub just decided to give me another 100 dollars that I can use to purchase my phone at promo price and I can keep my same plan!!! Wow, there you go another God-given miracle.

Then I wonder… Sometimes God is just testing how much you want it, even if He knows that you want it bad enough He still wants to see if you have the faith to act on it and trust in Him. He really did honored me ^_^.

Took me almost an hour to get the whole thing done in the end and the next thing is of cause to change to the new phone!!!... in fact right before he can bring out the new handset to our counter I already got my sim card ready. He was astonished at my split second excellence. If only I was that excellent at work too ha!

Guess what happened after I changed to my new phone?

Turned out to be like this: @_@.... suppose to feel pretty happy that one of my dream finally came true (by force!), I ended feeling kinda,…okay pretty lost, because I really don’t know how to use the multi feature phone yet and am getting to know the phone. It’s like you have been longing for someone so much yet when he is right before your eyes you are clueless of what to do next.. Hahaha…Anyway, the first impression was that the touch screen made me look like I am dumb or what, cause when I wanna press the function you are actually suppose to touch it on the screen and I kept pressing the shortcut soft key right beneath it -_-"

So when I wanna go camera I end up in Notes,

When I wanna type the text in, I end up in Notes,

Notes Notes Notes Notes……..

When I wanna view some settings I end up in Messaging

When I wanna view some photo functions I end up in Messaging…..

Messages Messages Messages Messages…

…. ------______-----

You may think that’s pretty random eh?

Guess what? Right before it was:

Lock..

Unlock..

Lock..

Unlock…

Arggggh…before I can even try to orientate myself with the touch screen I have been locking and unlocking the phone cause it kept hibernating in few seconds and I have not learn how to adjust the settings just yet!
Haha…

Nevertheless, it was still exciting and all getting to the habit of using my new best friend.
I even thought of a name for my best friend.

In remembrance of my dear Gayius(my lost laptop. I hope you are happy now sobz), Lenovo brand, and also because it sounds pretty much a metro-almighty-sexual name; let me grandly introduce to you my new gadget friend Lavene!

So far the phone has been pretty easy to use, user friendly they call it. Just that I have to take some time and acquaint with and get the hang of using Lavene.

Immediately, on the very same day I enthusiastically found Lavene a friend, his name is hei zai, a handphone strap which comes with a little cleaning pillow, and a wrist strap for added security. Cute eh? You can have it for just $2.50 at any More Than Words retail store (like they will give me any ad fee for it. Ha!)

Caught our very first movie the “Painted Face” with Qing, Mei Qin, Sam, Ben and Daniel(some new friends). Pretty good show for a person who don’t appreciate any ghostly movie(at all!). The lady named Zhou Xuan starred as the fox spirit is so so feminine and so so so classy and oozing with charismatic confidence. I like it!

To know more you have to catch it yourself!

I was pretty tired out, reason being that I have not been sleeping well, and right before I went to get my new found love at Doulby Ghaut, I was swimming away for whole three hours or more at Commonwealth with Ting and her brothers. There were utterly no other racial ethnic souls around except quite a few banglas at the deep pool. So naturally we faded to the shallow ones the moment we enter. They were a fun bunch to swim with, I mean, we were NOT playing or soaking okay. We were really swimming whole 3 hours! Now, that’s some achievement to applause about isn’t it?! And the older brother actually surf up the net the day before to find out how to swim free style so he can practice on that day! The little brother was pretty smart too, he could swim after the whole swimming session. It was really some good-exercise-fun and we all got a little darker together. But I wonder why I look like a Indian after the swim haha.

The whole day was so tiring and pretty back to back that I didn’t really have much energy to get overly excited about the whole phone thing as much as I would have expected, which later I realize it was a great feeling cos it’s not an outward performed joy though is only natural but it was just a really a serene sense of joy in contentment of finally achieving something you wanted to. That’s good. I like this too.^_^

So at the very end of the day I was totally beaten up swinging from place to place but also felt I really did enjoyed all the chill out and friends and the process of everything still, cause I told myself not to worry or rush it just enjoy everything that comes along and all works well for me. Praise the Lord!

What's wrong with these people?!

2008-09-29T20:56:00.004+08:00

I find myself getting easily upset and angry easily more and more these days.

I wonder why.

I mean what's going on? what wrong?

First I lost my phone, then I have to slowly get out post-syndrome of the "lostness" that more or less impacted my self-confidence.

In between which I get upset when my standby phone couldn't perform as well as my previous phone and the samsung text function sucked! which is pretty silly of me when I already know it is a standby phone. hello *knock knock*

On top of that I began to look at the people around me I call "friends" and wonder why they wanna do the things they do. And secretly shake my head in my heart for the dumb things they are doing and even thinks its right or worse enjoying what they are doing while thinking it is right. well, it could be worse, like knowing it is wrong and still enjoying it. Which I might as well include that as well.

My world view is temporarily going on a roller coaster ride between light and darkness.Easier for you to understand: focusing between the good or bad of everything around me because of the extreme negative moods lately.

Well, one thing that is still secure is that I will not allow any emotion to pull me down after putting so much effort in building a bright and right perspective of my world and how I see myself.

Nevertheless, it is like I am going through a purity test. like a "urine test", to see if I have been really "eating" the right things in my thought life. More to that, how would I continually choose to think and live in my thought life and reality at the worst pressures.

Lately, I lost something even more precious to me. It is of great sentimental value and I lost it. Unlike the heart brokenness I felt when I lost my phone, this time it is as if I lost the person because of the sentimental value in it.
The pain was tugging like a lovers' break-up.

What's more to life's sarcasm is that when I shared it with a friend I thought I cared a lot. He's answered was: "get a grip"! I was overwhelmed with an mixed and unknown injustice to his reaction. Is that what you say to a friend as comfort? Can I ask which vein in your brain is dysfunction?! arh... sorry felt bad. but who cares it's my blog for crying out loud. Well, he did explain that he don't mean it that way and stuff but it really shows there is no point sharing with people that don't care as much.

What's wrong with this people? Do I even know them?!

Ya sure, I am emotional and all, but I am still a normal person. Is that how you a treat a normal person?
Sometimes, I really ask myself, who are my friends? are they really my friends - as in do they value me as their friend too?

Then I ask myself a very practical question.

If one day, I were to disappear and no where to be found; who would be the one thinking about me and worry about and even look for me???

I asked that on this two friends, and I think they won't or at most it is just a simple thought of something on a to do list that is undone. That is not the problem. The problem lies in I am treating and valuing them as if they would. Then I realize there is a lot of nice and good people out there who are willing to socialize with you, but not all will really treat you as their friend like you would treat them to be. No matter how much you do. There is no need to devalue yourself for them.

If they don't feel for you as much to say the least then most probably they dun care as much to be someone you really call friend. At least you should be able to feel that you can connect with them.
These friends... I realize they are just like neighbor's connection, inconsistently going on and off, no harm trying but no reason to tag along with.

Wisdom - to tell one from another.

Who are really your friends?

Apart from that, another thought that has been leaking my positive energy is that, the people I thought I look up to doesn't seem or look like they believe in me. Simply put in a more definitely round-off answer: they don't. for good reason of cause.

The question is here: if people that I thought can help me don't even believe in me that I can make it, then how?

I walked past the "touch community center" which is still under renovation today and I so happened to see this:

"I believe in you"
God.

Well, if it means my ravaged life have to be salvaged without anyone else but me. Which happen to be the only way. At least, I still have God on my side.

One more day..or two..

2008-09-29T19:45:00.003+08:00

One more day..Just one more day....arh..

okay at most two.

WEDNESDAY. That's it!

The wait is no more.

My beloved G900 shall become dream come true.

Thinking back, I once wrote down in my private diary that I would set aside 500 bucks for a new phone and today, recounting how much I need to settle the whole issue...

It is exactly 500 bucks!

It is so true, that whatever dreams you wrote down, you will evntually do it if you are serious about it. So I guess I should give credit to the neurologist and all the "brain" people called the professionals for making our lives easier by disecting human behaviour to bite size for us. hahaha...

Mixed feelings.

Am SO looking forward to finally getting my dream realised and also put an end to all "suffering" of all the little phone nitty gritties from limited phone contacts to sending mass messages to the limitation of one person at a time -_-"...ridiculous right? anwz still am grateful I have at least a phone to manually move about with.
patience...God give me patience.. just one more day.

On the flip side, I already though of buying new phone straps so that I can hang it around my neck before my eyes 24/7 and getting a really nice phone cover this time.
Yea. As usual I am thinking a little too excessively. But who cares?! It's like I am in a festive mood hahaha. It's a great reason to celebrate and do everyhthing that makes you happy. Most importantly getting my "lifestyle" back on track. New Phone! Yea...
okay a bit too much faith here.. haha, I shall jump out of it. Only Real life counts.

why G900?

Hmm, if you ask me this question a long time ago I might just start loading you with ALL the features and information of the specification of this phone.

Well, now the reason is much much more simpler. Bcos I really think I will love it.^_^
It really sounds like going for a matchmaking you know you look at the girl's photograph, plum or slim, pretty or average then you start looking into the self-declared "qualities" the specs and you go: "there you are!"

SO.. my point is I really don't know if I will get frustrated with the phone or not. But with 500 bucks at the back of my mind, it better be good.

So here's the real qualities I am really looking forward to:

- Wi-Fi ability
- Touchscreen and fine interface eye-satisfaction
- Wide screen visual (woo!)
- reliable and comfortable keypad
- Free Connectivity Flexibility
- Big-enough storage space
- Organization features
- Picture oriented

So there you go. shorter version of my dream phone. Well, I definitely can't garantee the same short version for my dream guy haha!

i lost my phone...

2008-09-23T23:09:00.009+08:00

W810i is it's name.

Bought it second hand, we have lived together for a few months.

Like every couple we have had our own ups and downs...

I wasn't a very good companion, considering the many times he slips from my hand and Kaput on the ground with many surround sound hit record. There are also many times I can't stand the little tantrum he throws back at me when I try to push him around too impatiently. I even cause him to did an ultimate split in one of the samersault we tried once every few days, but thank God he was OK. I mean he was strong man! solid Partner... haha.

BUT...

I lost him last week. I was so lost. It felt like a miracle without a phone.
Cried a few buckets cos of the many memories we took and time we spent setting alarm and NOT waking up, look at secret lover's photos(woohoo) and smile, call and harass many people and set many fun outings, text many funny taglines and hilarious conversation.

Felt upset that I actually lost you, but thinking back of how faithful you have been and never once let me down regardless of all mistreatments, I was comforted.
At least we have made full use of our time together. haha.

However, I was so indignant about the whole thing I mean how cheapscape can the person get kapo-ing people's phone in the toilet instead of returning it, it is not like it is a expensive phone and is a cheap and old phone!. And because of the "cheapscapeness" of the person I have to go through so manty trouble!

I was so upset about the phone situation and all the other "troubles" that happen so timely altogether I made a strong stand in my heart to continue to fight the "ordeals" in faith, trusting God to come through for me on all things and made an intense prayer.

Now Looking forward, I guess it's good since I need to move on from many things so I guess I will just make this one of them too then.

Finding a replacement is a pretty tough challenge. I've been eyeing on this phone for quite some time since my starhub mobile contract is going to be up soon on 23rd of November.

Was thinking I will need more time than that to save enough to get the new phone I really like alot. And I mean I really WANT it.
So badly that I am like ranting to myself G900...G900...G900....there you go my dream phone revealed. everytime I thought about it I will go on like this.

Don't even mention it's name infront of me, I will get into a intense emotion and start reciting in whole series of loop of the phone model name again.
Yeah, that's how badly I wanted it.

Well, I guess when you want something bad enough, you will get it by hook or crook, consciously or subconsciously. OOPs! haha...

In this case, I lost my previous so I HAVE to get one. And after considering all the cheaper options like standby second hands which turns out to be NOT very cheap either which means it will turn out to be a waste of money still in the end, I decided what the heck I should just go full force to get the best option once and for all even if it means I have to slog for the next few weeks.

Thank GOD, He's so Great.

He's really such a sweet provider. I was thinking every way I can to tighten my belt, manuvre my finances so that I could cover all my expenses and bills and get the phone at the same time. I was like so anxious and jumpy about gettting the whole thing settle Quick! Fast! and I want it Now!, and doing my own thing that I failed to see that all was fine in His hands.

I was like trying to do a milion things in a second, called the starhub more than 7 times that week to get line suspended, trying to get to the Right Starhub Centre to get my replacement sim card and try to get back all the contact by requesting pple to text me their number again on msn...
I was like trying my best all I can to get everything covered.

And amazingly thinking back I did more things I would do usually with a phone than without a phone! haha...I try to keep in contact with the relevant pple I am meeting by making call time appointment and ask them stare at their phone at a particular time so that I would get them when I call them. And stepped out of my comfort zone at last to begin making things happen on all the areas I am suppose to touch on long time ago. As such I had a fulfilling weekends. Tired, but I felt so satisfied. It made me geared myself up and push myself further to achieve forward on the many things I want to see a leap of improvement. Whole thing turn out to have a positive impact yea....like a really helpful kick in the butt on my attitude in life haha.

Well, even so I was still pretty burdened about how to get the money to get the phone.
I need $398 even to get Sony Ericsson G900 at a promotional price for re-contract of my current mobile line. I mean, I only have $100 at hand so it's going to be an impossible task counting in all the expenses.

Since last Thursday I have been phoneless, and pennyless

But then, on Friday I receive a letter of GST Offset package of $225, so I am just phoneless.

And then, on Saturday my mum lent me her phone so I am just simcard-less.

Finally on Sun I got the right Starhub Centre and got my sim card but on top of that....

They gave me a 100 dollars Voucher to purchase a phone!!!! Praise the Lord!!!
They said it is because it is the first time I lost my phone, but I think it is because they wanted me to keep signing on their mobile line...at least that is how my sis comprehend it.

So $100 + $225 + $100 voucher = $425 !!! More than Enough to get a phone and a casing for it!!! Oh Yeah....but...

Suddenly....*thunder*

I saw the T & C....
one of them says "pay all outstanding bills before you can use this voucher"...

*Soap Opera Music*......

SO many tribulations....... that means another hundred which I am currently raising now while waiting for my GST Offset to come in 1st Oct.

Everything is so tightly packed together I have to be very wise in managing. But I guess there's more than skin deep on the things and "training lessons" I am acquiring out of the whole dilema. Got more than I bargained for.

Truly all things works well for all who Love Him and is following Him.
SO many things can put me down, but all are substancially provided and in its own way profited me with many treasurable lessons and rich experience and I am newly improved each time! And if I have paid attention to His goodness for even one minute, maybe I would have save my heart from all the anxiety. Taught me how to rise above the situation and know that ulitmately I am the one that is going to make it happen, not how the situation prevails.

Rewards are given to those who have made a stand for it and rise above it.

Resisting the pain

2008-09-22T12:25:00.002+08:00

Broken heart, dissappointing encounters

Time and time, we rush through them,
this unpleasant and painful ordeals
forgetting what we must learn from it
before we got ourselve hurt again.

Patience.
Enduring the pain, taking it step by step,
knowing that it takes time genuinely.
It is a process that if we panic,
if we stabbornly run over it;
it just meant we can't overcome it.
Yet it becomes a monument,
and something comforting to remember
if we truly take time to heal and build again.
That, will make us stronger and have a greater capacity
to love next time.

fatigue for the wrong things?

2008-09-08T14:51:00.002+08:00

Someone once told me that every wrong decision will take you a step further away from your destination and every right choice will show you a way to a clearer path.

I can see that the person said it with experience and wisdom.

Finally, the struggles are almost ending.
At last, I have found back the light to my pace.

Not yet fulfilled, but still on the way.

There is some-what of a relation between your struggle and your tiredness.
There is so many things we stabbornly struggle hold on or get rid of, and until we have used every ounce of strength to fight and maybe panic we can not seem to give up.

Weird thing is, there is some-what of a peace and serene, after you are totally fatigue or beatened.

Then....

you will say something like this:

"It's enough."

and then, you would freely continue to be on your way again.

Why is it so hard to let go at times?

Sleepiness

2008-08-27T12:05:00.003+08:00

Wan xiu, Crist and me.

Miran says that we are really not doing well TOGETHER @_@

This is bad.
Everybody that knows me knows this is one of my most undesired weakness.

Sleepiness and Lateness.
It's pretty bold of me even comment about this in my own blog!!! Gosh..
But I promise myself to be as genuine to myself as possible so I am just keeping my word to myself.

Alright, I guess if I start a forum about my bad habits it will basically make FULL use of the Cyber world. Cos it's going to be endless comments.
I can even easily recollect with a tinch of imagination what are the comments about it.

"A girl that always MIA"
"She doesn't reply to smses"
"She's always busy" or worse "She's always sleeping"
"This girl ar, always late" or this:
"She is always TIRED!!!"
"MIA again"
"eh dun always MIA lei"
"Why am I always the one looking out for this relationship?!!!" - now, this is bad.

See? I just prove that I know my friends pretty well.
I know action doesn't speak louder enough than words sometimes(okay a lot but at least it's on the decreasing stats)

BUT I do care and I do know you and you ARE my much loved friend okay. THIS, ironically is also something you can always trust on without much effort.

So what's the problem? I have been asking this for ages. Believe me my hands are full force working on it, and it's improving on an upward trend till I finally succeed since I am finally convicted to change after so long.

Nevertheless, try to give and take a bit okay? If you enjoy my imaginative company with you, then you have to understand it is sourced from a beautifully artistic mind that tends to go into her own world many times normally. I don't think I can change that else I won't be me and I won't, But I will always remember to level it to the social level since I simply can't live without people like you:)

Action still speaks louder than words. yes, I know.^_^

i fall in love easily...i break easily...

2008-08-27T01:42:00.007+08:00

I am listening to the chinese pop singer Cao Ge's singing of loving and falling in love, falling out of love...just came back from the Union where I danced away my rusty skills to polish them a little more. I was pretty rusty, really need to brush it up quick! It was pretty fun until I met R appearing in his charms again. Left the place feeling a little nostalgia about the past and memories of sharing my heart...to the wrong guy.

Then the feeling changed to become more of loneliness without the past company and the worse is some part of me still longs for it, but I realise at this point of time I have already lost my sight of where I am now at the present. Goodness, there's still some broken strings still pulling even when I have made such a huge progress of sticking to be true to myself. Yet I know it is process and progress over time, I have done well...just let it keep on until all my feelings are redirected back to the positive Light.

Flowing with the songs, all of a sudden I am being reminded on how much I really do trust and admire people easily for their charms and their beautiful qualities, happy and grateful that I can share my life and time with them and simply cherishing and enjoying every moment of time bonding together. However, sometimes the line is smudge and a mis-step of unconsciously falling in love without knowing can happen. And before you know it? it's a little too late...and you have to rewind your trackmill a few big steps backwards. why rewind? cos it's just emotions, it doesn't have any relation to the possibilities of a relationship. So if you are charming and you have an attractive personality, my advice is try not to flaunt it too exaggeratingly in front of me, cos you alone is pretty much to handle. If you see me not behaving naturally as much as usual, most probably I am re-pacing myself again and setting my view right again - without even you knowing about all the commotions that is going on at all.

It's different from being charmed though, it's more of like a few weeks flu or fever which you catch and you need to stay home for awhile and then when you are better you can go look for your friends again.

All the repacing sometimes seems so tiring, gotta learn how to pace myself accurately the very first time, got to learn to understand how my emotional tank work more deeply. Emotions run and some times you just wonder when does the looking ends though. Yet, it is the longing and waiting that gives it all the anticipation when it finally comes.

Yet, falling in love with the wrong guy is still such pain to endure... Dun want to get over another one unneccessarily.

Sunday date with Qing.Ting.Ling!..and it rymths!

2008-08-25T02:17:00.028+08:00

(Sunday 24th August 2008)

Got up real late today, as such, my whole day was in a "rush" mode that I couldn't get out of, and couldn't fully focus on anything I do today. This is annoying cos' I wanted some quality time and companionship with my friends for the movie event I have long awaited through the whole week this week. But it was still good.. haha.That sums up my day today, and I don't mind telling you more about it if you read on.......

The CHSA held a movie event @ EXPO today to create "Care for the Elderly" awareness in conjuction with the lauch of "Movie No Enough 2". Screening the actual movie with a HD widescreen LCD screen the church just newly installed(*proud), starring the cast Jack Neo and other Stars(or calefares haha!) that turned up for the whole event.

It's preetty fun laughing together, especially when there's like really alot more people(and happy ones) and easily amused people like me ahahaha...
I am so glad that Kai Ling(yes, I am a copy cat of Charmaine...) and Wenting also went for the event with my friend Qing Yuan and I. We took cab down together because we were seriously late to meet Qing though. Cost me about 24++ bucks, my innocent money~ Heart ache.

They actually parcipated us to text and express our love to our parents and loved ederlys, and they ran it on a strip on the Big Screen as the event continues after the movie with Mr. Hui Ge singing "Zi Ba Bun"(One Million) and his wife in the movie singing a lovely song about a wife's love and sacrifice for her husband.

It's pretty DuH-_- reading the text on the screen with what the people literary texted:

"mum i love"...
"ah ma, mum, dad I love"...
"i love you mum"...

Anywayz, like it's pretty obvious it's just a form of a very surface expression and it's not directly texted to the person. Moreover, "ang mo dzi"(english words) is not something most elderly can comprehend either. So who are they texting to then?...

Nevertheless, I think it is more like an act of demostration for each of us to envision within our eyes and create the "awareness" of loving the ones you care and not abandoning them in heart and soul genuinely after they have layed their entire life down for you. What we lack is *just* a righteous indignation.

So I guess the text your love "ceremony" served its purpose in summary:)

Kai Ling left us for BF(again haha), leaving Ting, Qing and I famished after much rushing here and there mostly without much reason...

I was pretty determined to have a good time enjoying our meal, but with the artistic(something you see but can't comprehend) state of mind I am in I ended up pretty annoyingly double minded. Here's how it goes through my mind today:

Bedok -> Changi -> Town -> AMK -> Raffles City->Town -> Vivocity -> Town...
Finally settled for Town @ Orchard Far East for our anticipated meal.
Can you still complain that I look tired after the whole day after seeing how my brain have worked hard today? Haha...

Truth: Doublemindedness drains you of your energy and time!

So here's how it looks like as we began our feasting in one of the Thai place in Far East and realise we have not taken any pictures:

Ting's having seafood hor fan sorry
you can't see any now haha

Qing after his humongous "medium" seafood hor fan

Yup! you've guess it right we've reserved our stomach
for dessert instead of beverages...

Ting & me, lovely isn't it?

Qing and my moon-cake face

Shots at Gelare ice cream & desserts!

testing testing lighting at my sit.
Hmm, good!

Finally, a better shot.

Uptown girl~...

*yawnz*...

ah beh!

We had Ting's favorite Oreo Chocolate, my usual Cafe Latte and the Signature Galare ice cream. A little too much for the stomach though, but I still manage to stomach them... how embarassing ohohoho.. It's funny cos' Qing went auto hibernate mode(not in a good state of mind too) in the midst of it so we took off after we finally overcome the too-much ice cream. my fault. haha....

Didn't fully enjoyed the quality time as I have planned cos' of the over-tire cum tense up minds and bods from waking up, but it's still good^_^...

I just simply love cafes and to have great go-outs coupled with few cool friends. Beats all sorrows away. Especially after hard days of work, all the looking forward for the next coming chill out and when you finally let loose and simply enjoy the good time together, it's just so relaxing. Life's not all there is, but enjoying what you have is.....haha!

when people fail to love

2008-07-30T02:35:00.003+08:00

When people fail to love you. When people reject you. when people you love treat you like enemy, when people condemn and judge you through their own eyes. How do you deal?

Do you stay and continue to love them, or do you run away?

Do you see beyond there hurt and judgement and live the understanding?

Even when you live to understand them, do you enable yourself to face them?

Can you see beyond the momentary hate see who they are?

I sure am trying. I know its hard... esp when it cause you to see how weak you are.

Believe in yourself, take it step by step. love yourself, come into terms with yourself and then come into terms with them.
Love them because its the right thing to do. Just because it is right.

I met him, chatted with him. Felt so nervous the whole day before meeting him, so uneasy and uncomfortable.
Facing someone that hurt you before and you have not ended with good agreement sure is a step of faith.

I was so nervous, I try to divert the energies into talking...

while trying to keep myself cool and collected,

while trying not to show that I am really THAT nervous,(ya when u cant hide, you reduce)

while trying not show that my wound is still not totally healed,

while trying to be natural and still continue to make a neutral conversation,

while trying to know him as who he is after so long without contacting each other,

that's alot of things to take care of at the same time, but I guess I just prayed enough to stay calmed and collected, it turned out pretty much okay.

I turned out to feel quite relax and myself, and conversation was quite happy.
I am just glad I know I can trust some One even through all the odds, and He is holding on close to me no matter what happens. ^_^

I just love being myself...

it'll be alive!

2008-07-28T00:54:00.004+08:00

Yeah, after consious effort of livening up the blog I actually MIA from my blog again. --_--

Joreen has been contacting me telling how I am so insincere because I always make here contact me first.

I think if I dun start coming back to the real world and live, this blog will be utterly barren. Good thing I am back now:) for long. hopefully. ha..

I think it's a challenge for me to have to clear my mind everyday that is fill up with all the stress, worries of the work undone, past heart aches I am still dealing with @ present...
Every little things here and there seems to add up all together and clogs my vision and focus again. And I have to force myself to refocus and reinstate my true being everyday.

But I trust God to always take me back to the focus again. I surrender all. this song I could sing till 4am in the morning just to truly mean it and believe in it.

I fight for a prize, I fight in such a way to win the prize. I am the winner.

It seems like lately all the past memories all came back to me again. different past crushes, past time and memories i spend together.

Most of them simply blind disobedience, some are genuine sincere mistakes that we learn from, when we sincerely think we are actually doing the right thing but actually it is not wise at all.
But i realise everything has brought me to this one place, finally, to get a clearer view of what is happening and why things happen the way they do.

I see it clearly now, finally, in a way I know what is the problem so that I can solve it and stop doing the same old thing my old nature is used to do.

Yet learning, or should I say relearning how I should live now....it is simply understanding and really living out what is right and true for you now. Which can be so painful, and it really takes a period of time and effort to acquire the new way of living and see things differently now.
IT is soo tiring at times, but everytime I did it, it is like reassuring and reinstating what is right and orderly to be done in the very first place, and that I am so much closer to living life everyday the right way that will bring happiness in my life and I can be a problem solver and not a problem giver.

That alone, keeps me going.
It is always through the hardships and pain you go through that you can able give mercy and empathy to other's weakness and help them to grow strong -- simply bcos u know how it works and understand.

I think I can finally come to a place where I am able to begin to leave pass e past the embrace the fullness that is given to me to enjoy and be blessed everyday in my life. PTL!

Tot life

2008-07-09T16:41:00.002+08:00

my thoughts are changing everyday...

they change and become better, they grow bit by bit everyday.
I will continue to change, until time and growth work hand in hand to transform what will be to what is. And the cycle continues.

Can you keep up with what is going on? I am looking for someone who can...

When I say I want a person who can walk along with me, i meant it in this measure.
Yet what He told me to do is to be gracious and patient so that you can be guided to the truth in His presence. I want to be a friend that that endures in times of trouble, I am here to stay.
But maybe not the way you want it to be, so that we can see each other right in our eyes again.
maybe it's time to get out of it give it back to e Lord..maybe it is time to just go back where we came from.

I prayed for wisdom, that even if I don't understand or don't get it the way I think I should now, I will trust God with the wisdom to do the right thing when the time comes. I still do...

but it's getting frustrating, yet again I understand it is not about me anymore.

i am just keeping on

2008-07-03T20:05:00.003+08:00

guess what...

I am doing cold call and blogging at the same time!!!

BUT dun worry I am professional about my cold calls okay~ its just that I need to keep my computer screen on so i dun have to keeping logging in.

Let's see what I can type out with half of my conscious here.

Hmm... I am going to meet him later in a few minutes time. feeling excited but i have no idea why. I believe it is because I finally can meet up after not hanging out for a while...but I really dun know if there is something more..

Just wanna let out...

2008-06-05T23:33:00.003+08:00

It feels like reaching a place somewhat like a delta, where everything begins to slows down and sink into you...

yet at the same time, it is a place where you make a decision at a transition point whether to push and reach to out to the sea, or stay in this place of lake and river.

All the pressures in life are like the current that sometimes are the one that keeps you moving forward and stay in the current,

the circumstances are like the the rocks in the water you work with,

the past are the little marbles that you throw away as you free yourself more & more to flow freely

the wind and the sun are simply all you need to keep you going till the end.

Where the sun shine, where the wind directs, work with the flow and reach to the end where you finally see full greatness and glory in where you are to be.

i feel different now

2008-06-04T04:49:00.005+08:00

IT's like a transformation, and it's still going on as we speak.

Living the way He wants, change me inside. inside out every single day.

Unlike the past, I feel so different as in terms of freedom. I feel so much more freedom now than the past me, as I begin to give myself more and more to His ways and His love.
There is such substancial assurance and peaceful stability now in Him in everything, even all the uncertainties. He simply is just here and just *there.

I use to feel about some things that it was really just hoping but time makes it feel so unlikely to come to pass.

Now, everything feel so certain in His timing and in His plan as I walk and depend on Him every single step. like having a boyfriend, and all my hopes and desires, everything seems so sure in His hands now. I am so happy and thankful for such love and peace I can have because Jesus died and gave me the power to.

I am not all I can be, but I look forward to see His full glory and His will come to pass in my life, the day I am fully transform to be like Him. luvs....

it's 4am

2008-06-04T04:31:00.005+08:00

it's 4 a.m. in the morning now...and I am still awake.

I should really be sleeping now, but yet I am still irresistably stucked infront of the screen, even after much work done for revamping my blog and adding music and pictures. This little haven finally look so much alive now after me breathing a few hours of my life on it.

I know it's been a long time since i update any new photos(or even post), so the BIG slideshow is there to make the lost of past opportunities. haha...I just love the way the skin looks, though a little cute, but I like its simplicity and clean-down-to-earth tone. That's exactly how I want to live my life now, peace and freely and full of God's love and direction. It's going to be a happening life ahead I will enjoy, but at the same time I love the way I can feel so serene in my heart @ all the time in Christ. I want my life to be dictated full of energy, love adventure and all the freedom and all great experiences that life can give. I wanna have it all. Happiness and a satisfied life.

In order to be great, you must serve like a slave. In order to live a great life, you must push all you've got.

10% miracle

2008-04-08T20:34:00.005+08:00

Prepare, something that we do almost 80 - 90 percent in our life.

Why so that we can execute the 10% for the complete 100% of success.

That is what is needed to be done.

You really dun know if you can make it for the 10 percent, or if you will really succeed.
However, if you have not given your best on the 90 percent and be ever ready for the most important part of last 10 percent, then who have you got to blame but yourself?

You simply robbed yourself of your own success.

The 10% = your best + God's miracle.

Then do you give glory to God or yourself since 90% percent comes from you?

The farmer sow the seeds, and in due time the seed grow the harvest. Nobody knows how it works but they know that if they sow the seed, the fruits will grow.

So do you give glory to the one that sow the seed, or the One that grow it?

Just like a man without his soul, work without God's hand is futile.

Courage

2008-04-08T20:20:00.004+08:00

I need courage.

I've surfed up the definition of courage and it means this:

"The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery. "

Last night, a rare phone call from a distant friend ended up in some pretty good enlightenment. Yea, sometimes you just to grab someone and speak your hearts out, all that is in your mind and wala all that you have been puzzeled about and bothering you down and pulling your mood to the bottoms suddenly evaporates into little sparks of light that somehow seems to give a little bits of glimpse of hope... and you feel so much lighter after that and the road ahead seems a little clearer.

God some times just send the most impossible people to lighten you up. He really works in mysterious ways. After you realise that God send these people, the nature of human always tent to hold on to the particular person, which reflects that human always tent to grab what is physical. Yet at the end of the day, you realise that the "magic" that you need in your life is not the person but the source behind the person. Something that goes into your spirit, and not flesh.

We like to recognise God's work but yet forgot about the source after that, when we actually should continue to Trust in the Original Provider.

Cos that is where we find the courage to live and face life's challenges every day, cos we work for God.

2008-03-26T12:58:00.003+08:00

when everything seems bleak, when everything looks like it is going to end soon

what would you do?

Struggle for the very last bit of hope? Or just give in to the fear of life?

I could complain about the unfair treatment that life gives to me, I could blame it to just the reality of life and I could even give myself reason to skive off the process I have to go through hailing that it doesn't worth living for.

But what different does it make? what help do I get?

Who will understand what my heart is like? I have once again come to the point where I feel no one can really understand again.

I just need a reason to live for, just like everyone else.
I just need to greet through every piece of teeth there is.
I just need to cry it out when my bottle is full.
I just need to forgive myself when I blame.
I just need to then love the process cos it is the only helpful friend to me.

Then, I will see the glory and reason for living with You
which is the only reason for living on through the waves of pain

梦里解脱

2008-02-19T21:25:00.002+08:00

今天，起身候感到特别的舒畅。

也不知道为什么昨晚，不，应该说是凌晨做的梦特别多的小插曲。

平时不做梦的我，都是安稳的睡着。虽然每次因无法入睡时都无法好好休息，但现在都进步了。那些梦很怪，什么警察，匪徒的，喜欢和讨厌的，醒来后感到莫名奇妙，却又感到特别舒服。似乎，之前所有感受的压力和压抑着的感情都因做梦而解脱了，压力好像也化解了一些。

生活压力的负担，问题还无法解决的指责，人格挫折的意识不是做几场梦就会烟消云散的。
多少时候，都把自己躲在一些电视里的剧情里，一部接一部的看就是要逃避现实生活的现状。本还以为会感到好一些，但却发现越逃避就越没力气面对所有生活的种种。

到最后，面对和坚持还是唯一能给你真正的解脱。

2008-02-19T00:16:00.002+08:00

I went out today without breakfast.

My face and body reflected perfectly the condition that I am in the whole day today. - just like a deactivated terminator robot with not a pinch of harmfulness, much less any emotion or communication made the whole day.

It extented till lunch at one, when I finally get some food at the crowded market nearby my office. Whole day was almost mundane and profitless. Amazingly, I did begin to get some "revelation" on how to start working hard for my work.

"Just do what you know, and you will know what to do next."

I am adopting this philosophy right now.
It seems that sometimes you don't really need to be in control all the time, such as knowing what to do all the time. In fact, in life we don't really know what exactly are we doing anyway. So why is it that we become inconfident on the things we are suppose to do when we don't feel that we are in control? Sometimes all you need to know is know what you know you and just do it.

I thank God for His Protection today.
I was so lethargic and tired physically due to too much lack of sleep recently that I did not realise that my water bottle leaked most probably through out the whole journey home among all the squeezing and sweats even though I attempt to avoid peak crowd today. -.-sigh.

That was still ok, what I didn't realise after I got home and knew that its already all wet is:

1) This bag given by Sharon as christmas gift sure can hold alot of water, it didn't even leaked out of the exterior. Quality stuff!

2) My adapter for my laptop is inside!!!!! I forgot. Can you imagine? And it stayed in that bath bag for like hours after I even took a nap and when I realise it my h.e.a.r.t dropped.

I was literally swinging the rest of the stuff out of the bag to get the adapter and cable and checking how "wet" is the status of "wet". THANK God that it wasn't bad. turn out its not enough to "submerge" my adapter.

And when I plugged in to the com, IT WORKED. Yeah!! Praise the Lord!
Am so grateful for His protection, its feels sweet to know that He's taking good care of me when it seems like all friends are away at the moment.

"when I am helpless, it is where your arms are"

I think I am a little tired and feeling lonely again, need His company again.

加油！Must trust in God to build my confidence every single step of the way till the Success He has for me in my life come to pass.

Diligence is the word not said but done.

Today some one told me off very directly about the integrity of my word. It hurts. Really hurt, like piercing through a cotton candy. But it is so true.

A man is built by his word.

Looks like there is alot to change, just like what Mr Tan said. Change is something that will need to be done once we put our focus on the right things right again.

I am burden, not a burden that can be share or shed. A burden for self. A burden only can be revealed and shared only to my God.

i feel flattered

2008-02-16T00:33:00.011+08:00

I feel flattered. haha...

maybe it is a way of feeling good to most girls.

Three guys asked about my v day, and two asked me out that day. I mean, even if they are not really man of my calibre but its enough for me for a v day.

Eventually, I end up with a date - with my mum.

1) I didn't go out with them cos i think its the wise thing to do.

2) Mum's alone at home.

Spent the rest of the night watching korean series till late, and we were both submerged in the love stories in that momentary state. I guess that's the nearest feeling to falling in love ba haa...

Thought I had a good time cos someone said to me, valentine is good as long as you are with someone you love.

How things change in a split of second, even now as I blog about this event I am in a heated conversation with the same person I spent this lovely time with.

Anger vent, words fly, hurts are slashed, then sleep in sorrow.

I blame myself for making mum sleep in sorrow and hurt everytime we quarrel, cos I love her so dearly but yet many times I don't do as I was told.
Sorrow wrench your soul, makes you don't feel like praying, dun feel like asking for help.
But when you gather all your strength to seek for the most reliable hand, you know everything's in His plan and there's no one you love He couldn't protect.

One thing I learnt today, when you think for yourself, you will always end up hurting someone.
But when you start speaking in the other party's concern, love will show and anger will simmer.
It makes you speak with sense and calmness, and even if you can't bring your words across fluently, he or she can sense the love and it will quench down heat like water meets fire.

Even in times that you reach your limit, these are exactly times you only think about yourself. Do something beyond yourself and you will reap something beyond yourself.

I guess this is why love is so great. It carries you through every hurt and sorrow way beyond yourself.

In my weakness, I will boast about Your strength.

Thanks Zi Can for being my guardian angel this time.^_^

Freaking love

2008-02-12T23:39:00.001+08:00

It's too much to the extent of freakiness.

I read blogs about people's lives

I meet friends and do catching up

I watch TV and they are promoting about buy ads to show your affection

I chat with friends on msn and see all the friends logging in with their new girlfriend in display avatar.

LOve is freakily EVERYWHERE!!!!

Beware walking at night on the streets, you might just be attacked by Mr cupid himself!

Everyone is falling in love and getting into relationship, you see potential courtships booming from the friends around you.

I thought it is just me, you know, being single and all. BUT it is not, even my sis commented that everybody seems to be conquered one by one. girl to boy,boy to girl, boy to boy... oops! At first, it didn't really hit me that much that some new couples just spring up. I just give them my blessings,hang around in the love feeling and move on. Until it REALLY got to me like every aspect of my life somebody is getting struck by "love", it seemed like it's booming like bubble tea stalls.

My gosh, I am in awe at the fact that love also have it's very own "season". There's a season to bind and a season to break. Somebody told me that. Sounds sad to me. Hope breaking never have to be a obliging thing to do, at least not for me. However, I don't have to worry about that do I? haha. Though sometimes I wish I am qualified to, you know care about somebody. Hmm think the love in the air is getting to me too.

With so many "baby couples" popping up, you can't help but ask when is yours? Was trying to focus on being independent and focusing on my identity and here comes the "love trend" that seemed to sweep me off my feet. - Almost sweep me off my feet since I dun have anyone in mind hahaha..

Time to refocus on the things that matters now. Back from holiday mood now. *Sigh*

God, may all love last. may mine do too when it comes.

2008-02-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

Everthing evolves around me, everything's changing around me. Feels like Life is flashing like a tv screen all around me, refreshing different images and life's joy and sorrow every seconds and yet before I can even comprehend anything much deepr it's gone and substitute with the next face of life altogether. I mean, it is like I am on this current market performance recently. You think you are on the upperhand, and the next thing you know, the market goes all the way down. Ups and downs can really catch up, no, go over you sometimes.. hm.. many times. It's like every situation, at first you will feel you can't handle it, your heart race and you either get over-excited or over-anxious and then you can't seem to calm yourself down, then you remember that you are suppose to trust God so you always make a prayer to commit everything in His hands and all of sudden peace comes in, and no matter what situation you are in, you can trust God to bring you through.

I guess there is just much to learn and God is speeding things up for me. I'll just hang on to him on calming lakes and roaring seas, no matter what. I try to keep my mind up with His encouragment. Doing the right thing at the right time seems hard at times, but I realise it really works. Cos' after you manage to focus and do that, you eventually realise you are always at the right place and you get to know the just the right things to know what to do next for the next step you ought to take in smaller steps and before you know it, it's like you've taken one huge leap to the things you want to accomplish.

I am grateful for His love that sustain me thru these hard times and challenges even now. I am changing a phone soon, and

I am trusting God to bless me a really good working one, as I have decided to do the right things right and put everything in His hands right now.

I finally did attended the Monday fast track training that I am suppose to attend. Turn out that I have the manager on that day all by myself, and he is Kenny~ I mean I felt happy cos like his training and all but at the same time my work performance has compelled me to feel really intimidated to talk to him much. More than the contents he went through, he seemed really concern about me and my performance. I was encourage for what he told me, things like, you need need a spiritual purpose in your work too. It is not about the products you sell, but it is the purpose you find in doing what you do, monetary reasons are simply just to shallow to sustain you. If you focus on selling products, and fail you will soon can discouraged very often and very easily. Share the education that would compell people to understand and buy the reason and solution to their problem instead of the product. And then, you won't have to handle so much objection, and then, they will know the real purpose for going into something and then instead of seeing just buying the product, they will understand from where you are coming from.

He then intentively shared what he preached to the coporation this morning during devotion. He shared it to me in a nut shell. Sense of purpose which will give you the passion that will motivates you perserverance towards finally, the sure success. DO it in authority and in Obedience, knowing you ARE the head and not the tail. IF 240,000 out of 600,000 population of Singappre are the leaders and the people who are really the head. And the church has a populaion of 23,000. Why can't it be me. There is no excuse not to success.

What he shared really touched my heart. Cos that is what I have been reading and God has been showing me too. Edurance and Perserverance.The assurance of success...I am thankful that someone like him actually showed intentional or personal interest and encouragement to someone like me, even though he don't know me fully. I am touched by my God's personal touch of love and encouragement when I am on the verge of discouragement.

One of the happier days

2008-01-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

Finally something happy to jot down on this ill page full of gloom.

Today, I went lunch with a friend as an inofficial appointment out of my day work. His name is Clarence.

Had a really good time chatting and browsing through his pictures taken in Swiss during one of his NYAA activities. Well, actually I yawn a little here and there cos there is just alot of mountains and rocks and snow caps. Guys likes to take picture of dustbins, I wonder why. But it was good, there was alot of aritistic artifects and church cultural paintings and beauiful shophouses embroaided with delicately designed details to the little bits. I just like the feel of those antique shophouses and cafes. Feels like dwelling in magical ground. One of them ended up as my wallpaper. Antique Mac Donald. haha...

Really felt the joy of being in good and Godly fellowship. Everything seems to be blessed when you are living with the "right" people. NOT only him. ie liang and many other members have begin to grow to be my personal friends that really seems to yield fruits that last. I really just wanna stay where I am suppose to be in His embrace~

However it seems like an amazing feeling, after much flaunting my time here and there for some good companion and having endured much of many unwise decisions and the pain for it, it is like going back to square one. - And making the right choice.

Some of the best people to spend time with are just laying around in your life, and the only reason we didn't thought of picking it up is just simply because we think better and we think our time has more value than that. God gives us friends that will bring extreme enjoyment and fulfillment to our lives.

So until we really realise and recognise these "underlying" people in our lives and their values no matter how "unpotential" they seem, we are always one friend weaker, one hand shorter.

Which leads me to rememberance of a friend i lost recently.

If losing one gains another, I'd prefer that everything stay the same
BUT if releasing one saves both party, and gaining new ones to each own, then
I guess that sounds like a better deal.

I could have hated you for making me look like a fool that puts all blood and time for vanity
I dun even bother to reply your message, cos it is just so insincere to end any friendship.
I wanted to scream cowardness at your face for not having the courage to let go.

But then I remember I am still your friend.
You are still God's and I have no right to judge or hate.
So I didn't hate you, but I didn't do anything else either cos I have done my best.
I hand my injustice to God, and I finally stood on my word to respect your word.

So if this is what you want, I release you.

shut down...restarting...

2008-01-08T00:16:00.000+08:00

For the past many weeks, I have shut myself down and ran away from all the current perceptions of my current situation.

Now, it seems really hard to restart again, as to face the world again.

what you have left before, now you have to face; and even more to deal with.

True test of character is when you stuck it through and face your toughest moment head on.

I guess I am still no strong man yet, since I've chose to escape this time. It wouldn't have end up like this if my focus was right.
who says making just one decision wrong won't matter? It change your whole course!!! just one wrong step will lead to another and another and you found yourself in a whole different ground.
Before you know it, you have to recourse yourself back to your orignal track and pick it up from there again.

These feeling sucked, but I don't have a choice do I? unless I wanna change ID. Who wants my ID?

hmmm...fresh air..

2008-01-05T22:08:00.000+08:00

breathing the fresh air of the new year's breeze...

it's been awhile since my last post and coming back here felt like coming back home.
hehe...been exploring different kinds of activities and new people recently and found myself seeing many things like bee on different flowers in new pasture.

So, it felt like travelling to an unknown land and now I am back to my familiar warmth.
Where exactly am I talking about? I can't reach to it accurately, but it is just the experiences recently.

Was feeling lost in my current arena, with the things I am struggling with and bad habits to conquer. It just really felt like a flop all the way. It is those days you keep telling yourself to stop doing some things and you went right ahead doing it again. *sign*

Life still goes on. The very fact that I am back here shows I am about to be fine going back on track soon. I just can't help wonder why is it that everytime when there is something that I can not get by I always end up having to isolate myself again to redirect myself on the way and perspective before I can really get back on track. But life is not like that, you can't stop anywhere you want, you still need to go on. How to learn?

All I can say is that 08's gotto be the year of change.

Mrs Salim~

2007-12-09T02:56:00.000+08:00

I have a friend, a neighbor, a dance mate and of cos always brotherly listening ear, his name is

Misssss-ter Jacky

I always think that he need a little more faminine push, a little more gentleness in his touch on things; yet once in a while he will prove me wrong with the non-ordinary things he is willing to do for his friends.

Just like today (Saturday), we were suppose to go trekking as a whole cell group after our meeting but I wasn't dressed approriately for the occasion. So i requested that I change my beautiful lady bag with his rather...erm, let's just say unattractive sling bag.

And he actually agreed! See? so nice right?

At that time I really didn't imagine how he's going to look like with my lady bag, but well it doesn't take long to visualise.

He looks like a bodybuilder with a shiny black bolling bag, didn't look that bad untill he started to hang then on his shoulder....-__-" so I kindheartedly suggested that he hold it in a more manly gesture. I am glad he did.

So I happily went trekking, with no idea of what he has been doing with my beautiful bag till I came back that night to return his smelly bag. (and yes I made it smell bahaha...)

This is his personal narration:

He brought the bag with him(obviously) on the bus to travel back home, and right on the very bus he board, he described it as he felt like he experienced the same kind of attention as when he is in Sri Lanka(yes where all the rather darker color friends are). I guess it felt kinda sucky,but he seems very amused with his attention given. haha..

Then, he planned to prepare a home cook meal for his friends back at his home as promised.

and guess what?

HE WENT MARKETING INGREDIENTS WITH MY BAG!!!

I really am trying not to imagine how he looks like at that moment with one hand holding a bag and the other the heavy groceries... and he even got too tired and end up hanging my bag on HIS shoulder..omgosh...O_O
I really can't believe he act went all the way and through all the trouble, but I believe my bag must have felt real honored that it ever has a chance to be such a homely lady bag....

and he proceed on to clean up my already war-like messy bag while preparing a beautiful home cook meal for his friends at home.

All because he promised his friends he will go home to prepare a good meal...
and he had to do it with such a...hmm what should I say?

A metro sexual image.

But it's quite interesting isn't it? Giving yourself a chance to feel how others feel in their shoes(in this case the capable aunties)..

Not everyone can even think out of such open heart in the first place,
maybe YOU should try it someday...

haha. But Jacky we shall try and help you do it in a more glamorous way if there ever was a second time alright? bahaha...

This post is specially dedicated to you, for all the little things you've been doing for me, quietly sowing lovingly and caringly at the back scene where no one knows. When most of the time I have forgotten to say thank you, I want to express it with a simple but big and loud voice
sincerely,
Thank you ^_^ and always.

i got me h.e.a.r.t broken again...

2007-12-04T01:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, I am blogging again after much ordeal...

Little did I know I still have to start with a broken heart again...

Your cold-heartedness brings chill to my spine.

We endured much towards each other, but we still found not common plateform so far to the extent of this leading to the death of our friendship... or whatever that is.

you showing favor but the mismatch treatment of dis-valuing me not just broke my heart, but it scares me as to how a man can relate so coldly towards anyone. Further breaking the shattered peices into chilling frails of emotions. It's amazing how many times a heart can break in just a short moment of time, much more a life time.

you really shouldn't have show favor to me if you have no intent to put effort in this relationship.

This is the only thing I have not compromised, and that I am glad I have finally chose to cut this misery.

It's sarcastic that when I think of what you would say to all these is "I dun wan to feel I owe anyone" and you can feel that all these is really not much of your problem.

you are a nice guy, just not very human.

Aim-sie

2007-10-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

Aims - Examination you need to passed to be contracted as a qualified financial advisor.

Unlike the rest of the examination, this is a THREE PART examination where you need to take THREE paper(obviouslu -_-) and pass each individually to be considered cleared.

Well, I didn't write a pre-empt post about this, so I'll just compile my recent result.

I FAILED...

haha... no la. just the first paper. cos I didn't really revise familiar enough those mathematics stuff. The rest of the two papers are fine, by God's grace I manage to pass the first time.

so...

God's grace + Hardwork = Successful Passing

Like my lecturer says, "it is not the end of the world" when you fail to accomplish something. Well, I personally think that she can say that because there is a one-time retest for any of the papers you fail(Thank God for that), but in life you can have as many chances as you give yourself to.

See, I've been passing through my exams the first time round since beginning till now, because I trusted Him and because I worked hard. Somewhere along the line, I might have begin to become complacent, stop working as hard or even stop trusting Him as my source of strength...

to fail, simply means that you need to perfect the things you did wrong the next time you try.

to succeed after failure, simply means to realise you don't know everything, but you continue to put courage in believing in yourself that this time round you are going to do it right.

Perfection is only for the work you do.
Perfection is not the mentality to live your life, but the persistence to never give up is.

What amazes me once again is His faithful love, that even when I have failed to be faithful in studying, he brings in people to help me study and speed up the whole studying process by giving me support through people he brings in your life. That even though you have to face reality in the face sometimes, but when you look around His love and His support just surrounds you all the time through these crucial times. Unlike the last few tutorials, I really build some really good friendship this time. How do I know if they are good? Because they just fill you heart with joy ^_^. through them I realise that God don't won't alone, He works together through people in your life and even help you to acquire many things that you will never be able to acquire on your own.

I truely know what it means when our prime minister says that

"People are important" >.< *lol*

They do what you can not do, but together you can do all things.

tml's de cycling trip!!!

2007-10-13T17:29:00.000+08:00

yeah.... slack and chill around for this pass week, and tomorrow is the BIG finale of the whole "take-a-short-breath" break - Learn cycling in east coast after service!!!

FINALLY... after tml, NO one will give me that astounding astonished look ever again whenever I told them I don't know how to cycle. Tml will be the end time of this life! muahahaha... *thunder-thunder*

let's practise...

friend: "hey wanna go cycling?"

me: "~~can't, dun noe how.~~ yea, sure~"

friend: "~~HUH! WHAT?~~ Alright~"

muahahahaha... allow me to dwell in my facination for awhile this is so exilarating.. dun understand the ecstacy of it right? that's bcos u know how to cycle ma..am I right?..

see? I am right ba.

Anyway, it's been a long-time wish to finally overcome cycling which I have been putting off over years and years...and thanks to p, whom reminded me of another common sense sport that I have to conquer-- inline skating.

oh well no choice, one step at a time, can't be too "gan cheong". Hopefully tml I can over cycling and finally practise enough to join the night cycling ride my church is holding just next week!!!!
I think I will be practising hard this coming week on top of the very Last exam (Yeah!!!!) I have to take and study hard for to finally be approved as a professional financial advisor and be contracted under Niclos Goh.

Life's going to get exciting soon, so looking forward to it... with God ^_^.
just like Sharon said: "Get ready for the harvest."

withdrawal symtoms

2007-10-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, Lian Wee dated us (swee siang, jianxing, juikian, de hua, me) out on a K session. Well, honestly speaking its like my second official k session and I really dun know how to behave confident in my body language man. Still, I made it there and try to be as positive as possible. haha!

My plan was just to finally meet up with all these old friends that I haven't seen for ages, and that's the exciting part! And rest.... my plan was to be a pew warmer or what you call in chinese a flower vase(花瓶) you know, just listening to them and enjoying their company. I just wanna spend some time with them men. haha.

Little did I know that they were so "passionate" that they invited me to sing along as well, and paid for my share~ hehe. So nice right?... I'd like to say that they are really sweet in blessing me the treat and really make me feel very warm inside when I felt so well-received that day by them even after so long.

And bcos of that, I've finally dedicated my very first k song solo to them all!!! muahaha... and guess what I sang?

A patriotic love song: “家”

haha.... sorry guys really it's my first time very inexperience felt so embarassed. The song abit too draggy I felt so lack of breath after the song man wahaha....Through out the whole session I was so lost, don't really know what song to pick some more and they ended up picking up all the liang jing ru's（梁静茹） song for me. one of them I can't sing at all so paiseh. But they were really sweet to me can't emphasize more on it.

Though I am a little nervous but manage to sang a few more, trying not to disappoint my lovely friends haha.. had a really good time with them and it felt so good to be able to get together with you friends again, no matter how short lived it is. We sang for about 3 hours... ok lah nt v short haha...

it's too bad allen and cmy can't join us that day, else I think will be more happening ba? haha...

so happy^_^

--------------------------------------------

yupz still experiencing the withdrawal symtoms. Dread the fact that it always takes time to recover.

Recently met one or two new aquaintance I befriended under the same company that I am in now. They started contacting me almost everyday and it kinda begin to get irritating. It adds to my sorrow in sarcasm, as if it's not worse enough that you are experiencing a affection pit fall, and the unrelated had to step in and further prove the point.

One thing I realise, if I had felt irritated for what they did bcos I dun like them, then the same would have felt on the other side. But then again the other side hasn't made it clear for me to back off either so it can't be all my fault. Either way, I just felt so dumb. Taking one step back, to date I realise that my focus has been shifted too much away from the original goal, too reliant on my affectionated feelings. So, it's time to refocus myself on the things that matters most.

God help~

blessings pour Pour!

2007-10-09T20:07:00.001+08:00

yupz. today went to acc my mum to see the dentist (which is my friend's sis's bf). Never seen my mum in this adorable way before haha. We got a discounted price for the service too! anyone wants to see a dentist?

Today, I bought a mini skirt and a short shorts in courtesy of mummy. hehe. I am pretty satisfied with the victories I bought today, cos even though they are SHORT, they still look considerably proper on my hip and the suits me so I won't look so kat tek kat tek. Amazingly I look rather good even though my legs are not exactly something you call slim! haha. What's more happy than finding clothes that suits you? Many! but I am glad, thank God for the blessing. You know why? This short and the skirt were just the first few piece I saw and I got the right one already(got size too), so time-painless.. I like it yea~

Thank you mummie! it's been a long while since I shop anything!

Guess what? Even though it's blessed, the skirt didn't come easy. I walked all the way to west mall and back under scorching hot sun just to get the skirt and it happens to be the last piece! Due to the lack of trabsport allowance I had to walk, and I just simply can't wait till the next day to come. You know what? It really felt and prove to me that, in many things, if you desire for it, you have to be bold and persistent enough to finally get it; and not just pushing the responsibility to fate. Saying if it's fate, then we will have it, if it's not then let it be.

I used to think that way, but I realise that I was wrong cos with such a coward and laid back attitude, you can go no where and you might as well sleep in your coffin now cos nothing's going to change for you! haha. ya it's a little over-exaggerated but that's how convicted I am in realising the truth. It's not just about the skirt, it's really about your attitude to the things in life. Today, I realise that only a driven individual in poise will get what he or she wants in life. Not just by hanging by and by.

PS: but if a girl says let fate decides, then let her go ok?

a visit by an angel?

2007-10-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

Had a rather interesting day... but kinda sweet hehe.

Due to the lack of sleep for the pass few days(bcos of the exam and church stuff), didn't really slept enough to recover them back, so today I went out with draggy eyes and with happy bags on them. (I even missed make up)

As a result of the wicked sleep cycle, I fell easily asleep as sweet as a sound baby once I hit the train seat. Thank God for train seats in peak period!!! And obviously you won't expect me to wake up on the right stop right? Strangely but thankfully, someone beside woke me up on that very stop and said: "it's Tanjong Pagar already". Weird right? haha, how would she know I wanna drop there? Even though I am sweetly asleep, my head is still hanging by and by, making me conscious of where my head is heading and over the vast quality experience of sleeping on the train, I dun recall finally landing my UFO head or any part of my jellyfish body on her lei.....hmmm...

There's only two possibilities:

1) I snored and keep on snoring

2)I have been visited by an angel :p

I'd prefer to think of it the latter way, cos I just couldn't accept the first! haha...
well the fellow train riders around me seems to be looking at me during my sleep whenever I took a peek at every short interval of half consciousness. Which I find weird, thinking back, checking my posture was actually v stable(over vast trainng), and I didn't make any big movements since I am soundly asleep. How I know? cos by then I'll be awake la! haha. Not to boast, but I could hold on to a same position (like folding arms to keep center of gravity centralise) and my neck won't move much cos I am seating upward that it locks the cord(spinal) together. So far, result has been well received since I stops me from looking like a "uncontrolled sleeper" and I appear less low profile even though the final position a little different BUT not far from the original. I even manage to keep my mouth close too!!! hahaha...it's not hard, you just need practise~

SO.... I'm pretty sure I didn't embarass myself.....much that I attracted so much attention. But then again, maybe I slept to soundly. They are either admiring my skill of sleeping or the fact that I can be so sound asleep haha!

Same thing happen on my way back too. A very kind and friendly auntie woke me up at the Jurong interchange so I didn't overshot. I even dropped my favorite book and one nice-but-capable-looking women picked up for and me and became amazed by what I am reading. (want to know right? dun tell you haha) She began to strike an excited conversation with me and interview me why do I like the author and began to yadar yadar about she collect such leadership books and stuff. I glad I manage to hold the conversation politely even though all this while my brain isn't fully awake yet! In the end, she realise that we have alot in common(like christianity, self-improvement, even relating to people) that she wanted to meet me up again soon and wanted to take me into what she is doing as a entrepreneur of her businesses. How dramatic is that?

haha, is this the "open heaven" over my life now? It is pretty convincing with all the coincidence happening, we even live in the same area. She even ended with "there must be some reason I picked up the book". This is interesting, I'm quite curious in what she is doing actually, hopefully it's not some network marketing again -_-. But then again, even though I am open about meeting up again I felt bad but justified to think of her as a possible fraud and someone that I will have to beware of in engaging any businesses, since I dun really know her. But she seem to like city harvesters alot and know alot about us and stuff and she seems really open and nice even showing me her family photos and stuff in just a short 1- stop journey. fast right? haha. okay la we waited for the train to move.

IF she is not a fraud, then this might be a great Opportunity I am looking for base on the open heaven concept. And by the way I have been meeting different people that help me along the way in anything I do.

Who knows? I just continue to trust God to guide me by giving me the peace and right direction in everything.

Thank God for sending angels to guide me today^_^ I am being well taken care of~

心律

2007-10-07T20:45:00.000+08:00

心跳，是因为感觉
心急，是因为确定
心烦，是因为怀疑
心碎，是因为失望
心绝，是因为放弃

当心再跳的时候，就只是因为希望已不再是你。

what is it?

2007-10-07T19:59:00.000+08:00

I tried calling you... I tried messaging you... I even tried emailing an extra mail... I even tried asking you out.

yet things still doesn't work out. It's true that you are busy(or maybe not), and have not much free time with all the tight schedules. But that's a totally different thing. How much does it take for u to respond a sms i sent a few days ago? you didn't even reply. how much time will it take to give a call back for the miss call? It's really not about the time, it's really the fact that you didn't even try making the effort to do so. Or it seems that way. Are you uninterested? Then tell me. Felt so taken forgranted. every single time you fail to call, every single time you fail to reply my sms, every single time you even fail to just reply a email 2-3 weeks ago, and today... you even failed to meet me. every single time hope just crashed and disappointment just set in like rushing waves, who are you that I make myslf so vulnerable to you? Even if it's with valid reason for every excuse, a girl has her limit on things. your heart didn't show you care, and you just don't pass.

So, that's enough. I am no longer going to wait for you. Your timing has passed. I felt I have wasted my time and effort in even trying to hold on to a certain hope, when you simply are just ignorant of everything. It's time for me to move on and I will no longer be chasing after wind anymore.

So pissed off and disappointed... love is not hard to find, but it is the strength to make yourself vulnerable to someone you think that is deserving. Sometimes you are right, sometimes you are wrong; but no matter what you just need to wise up. God's way is still the best.

*Sigh*

感情的事

2007-10-07T03:18:00.000+08:00

感情的事，是心里的谜

如果时间，能够给予

如果情感，能够提示

如果认识，能够了解

如果缘分，能够降临

我愿让时间加深彼此的了解，

我愿让情感带领，迎接缘分的到来。

你会是缘分的选择吗？

after bath

2007-10-07T02:31:00.000+08:00

Yea... after bathing more settled in to the truth...

Just checked all the blogs and friendster of my cellgroup members... it seems like I have been missing out alot. It's like asking yourself "what have you been doing all this while?", even though you are striving so hard to do everything well.

Then I ask myself what should I do about it. What should I do to become closer to people around me? I try many times and encourage myself many times but nothing seems to work as if I am beating the wind in reaching my goals. Then someone reminded me, it's not about myself. I know I have been more selfish than selfless...

One leader once told me, that some people are more well received in a group than in a indivual setting. Well. I agree, but I can't just hide in this reason even if it is the truth can I?

All these years, what is lacking is not a heart that wants to do it. but a heart that is not strong enough, that needs the help of others.

But I thank God, cos I did improve and jumped out of many hurts and fears of knowing people and allowing them closer to me. Now that I can boldly deal with these naturally, lovingly accept the way I am. I am still on my way and at times I still struggle, but I know things can only get better as there is much to be done. You get so excited when you look back to see and realise that He has really help you to become so much better! I will learn to be a friend, a good one this time. ^_^

"Just learn to love everyday"

I Passed! I Passed!!!

2007-10-07T00:38:00.000+08:00

I PASSED!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhh..... whoooo Hoo...

All glory to God alone~ hehe.. cos I know I coudln't have done it without His grace. Open heaven over me.. ^_^ Thank you God~

okok.. get back in sanity, haha.. Yup a bit lazy to take picture of the cert cos really too tired. Had the test on friday and even helped a friend to help him study for his exam on mon too! so happy cos I am so grateful for this blessing and ability to even help others to pass too.

Sharon messaged and congratulated me. For some reason, hearing that from her means alooot to me even though it's been sooooo long after we multiplied as a cell group. I still look on to her like a mentor admirably. I am so glad that God helped me and I didn't disappoint her. Now that I passed the two test, I am qualified to be contracted on Moday already~ yea...

You know before the contract thing, I was still feeling like a student, still living a little more slack in lifestyle. But after being informed that I got the contract ready to be signed, all reality just sets in and bring me back to my life. work really is a important part of me... now, I am getting ready to start my career and I am still on my way, but God is with me now. It makes me feel so supported and I have a sense of peace and calmness, cos no matter what happen and what I have to go through I know I will be alright cos I have Someone to carry me through. ^_^ It makes me feel that what ever I do is not by my own strength but bcos of His, and that I can be proud of it in everything I do bcos of Him. I wanna excel in my life and I want to do more for Him now.

I am just too full of thankfulness to continue right now haha!... God is good~

update update!!!

2007-09-30T15:59:00.000+08:00

ok been feeling xianz and rather blue recently...

no emails to read no sms to reply, not even in singapore..ohmygoodness... really busy till so busy isit or avoiding me? -_-

xianz:

M9 first six chapter sux!!! haha.. oh no what happen to my language.... must have been hanging out with the wrong people Hmph!!!!...and I still got 20 chapters to go... *sigh*

Don't ask what happen. I just need to feel and act like a kid for awhile now. at least I didn't cause any problems to anyone...

he called, said it's his birthday ask me accompany him today. I can't. I just can't.

right now this moment, I just feel moony over a kind of unresolved frustration. WHY does it always have to happen like this?

ai4 wo3 de4 ren2, wo3 bu4 ai4
wo3 ai4 de4 ren2, you4 bu2 ai4 wo3

how idiotic can it get? as far as the stabborness of your desire!!! Is this what you call the troubles of love? It's even resentful by the sound of it when everybody knows that love should be for the good and the better. In fact, I'd like to rephrase it as "troubles of passion" instead, as it is more inline with anyone's personal desire of want more than really loving a person. That's the problem with "wrong" desire but nobody in the picture of it seems to mind or even understand... which can be foolish at times. you really need to know when to let go when it's time to.

let go cool off....

how would you feel when the person you really miss dun seem to bother about you. yet there's others in your life that shows you all the love that you dun wan or you can't want?

Ironic, and a different kind of annonymous heartaches for both ends.

why can't the world just be a better place where all the mismatch just disappears, so there will be no heartaches on any side?! Guys are really just a specie you can't simply just be too nice with. *roar*

p....

2007-09-20T01:18:00.000+08:00

hmm chatted with you alot. controversial topics and personal questions. Wah really feel like taking a peep at you to see how you are really like. But I know it's not time yet.

You asked me alot about my past make me feel a little uncomfortable but it's ok. I have nothing to do with them now. I thank God for that. He saved me from all my troubles and put me on higher ground with Him and walk a new life.

Must get back right on track again. Shall work hard smart and diligently from now on.

Sweet dreams. -wanting to know you more. I put You first.

^_^ everything's gonna be alright. God's here.

life goes on...

2007-09-17T18:25:00.000+08:00

yea yea...

two more test to pass and I'll be on my way~ haha.

meanwhile must find ways to bring in some money for support and survival... *sign*
anybody wants to donate?

Feeling tired emotionally recently once again, I really need to balance my life. Wanna go out and have some fun before I start studying for the next paper and of cos taking the paper. Need alot more prayers too. This one is 26 chapters, 18 more chapters compare to the previous one o_O... But the whole thing is getting more and more exciting as God continue to walk me through. I'm happy. Just.... gotta put some serious focus on the current financial status now hehehe.

I thought of teaching basic dreamweaver and photoshop as a private tutor now so if anybody has any referral please do contact me ya? I checked out the market rate for this kind of tution. It's 30 bucks per hour, but I guess referrals should possibly come from friends so I'll give +/- 25% discount... wahaha... which is... aiyo I also don't know how much ahaha... eh let's put it @ 25 bucks per hour for close friends ok?

details will be provided upon contact.

meanwhile...

Things take note to complete timely and efficiently :

1) Two exams

2) Training missed

3) house keeping

4) personal management

5) Lessons learnt

oh well, not very much is it? wait till you hear the real thing.
It's freezing cold now in mac, so I'll just log out for now.
I hope the cold air serve as good as cold wrap!!! haha... can loose some weight~ bahahaha..

YeaH....

2007-09-14T18:52:00.000+08:00

I Passed!!!!
..and if you think I did it on my own, you are wrong; God's grace brought me through!!!
yeah...

* ^ _ ^ *

miss

2007-09-11T02:28:00.000+08:00

Two weeks is a loong time. I'm missing p's reply...you are making me wait too long.

BUT still, I must Fully concentrate on my exam. I WILL PASS......with birdy(flying) colors!

hehe. another day of tutorial ahead. Shoosh, God bring me thru~

I know of this guy who ask me to be his girlfriend but he's in seperation with his wife.
Dramatic life eh?

Of cos I find it rediculous. the sound of a man trying to come clean his status and wanting you to be with him only proves one thing:

He's either lonely or

He's really got guts!(asking me to be a mistress :s)

But then again, even though we aren't close, I can feel the lonliness, I can feel the need for support. Yet, what can I do?

All I can do is pray the best I can and give him some good old encouragement.

All the best to you my friend.

sweet dreams yawnz~

Depressed...

2007-09-10T23:45:00.001+08:00

Suddenly my heart is flooded with waves and waves of emotions, each time taking me deeper and into the flunctuation of my feelings like waves of the ocean where the water runs deep.

Then I remember a song I sing in church that gives me some light to the end of the tunnel.

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hands

When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with You
Above the Storm

Father you are King over the flood
I will be still, and know you are God

How it fits into my situation now. I don't even exactly know why I feel the way I feel, but I feel it. Knowing God will soar me through, definitely brings encouragement to me. Even the fact that I am typing this down as streams of thoughts seems like He's using His ways in encouraging me and pulling me through already...

New Face!!

2007-09-08T02:25:00.000+08:00

POST DATED FRIDAY 07/09/07...

MuaHaHAhA... new skin for the new face of life. Nice?
I sure hope so.

If you are from the IT world you will ask what software I used,

if you are from the design world you will ask how long I took,

if you are a mere aquaintance you probably won't see this page,

if you are even looking at this page and appreciating it for the least bit of effort I've put in,

Congratulation! you are a deserved friend indeed!! (except for the pple I banned, of cos.)

Acutally I took quite long to make this skin. Not to mention the time I have put in to study how to make the blog code works. Thank God for helping me to find a easy one to understand.. haha.. whew. Finally the work pays off. By God's grace I even know how to make my friends business blog work! haha.. Satisfaction is when you walk in the will of God.

Enuough said let's proceed on with life.

hmm... this week has been really a fulfilling one. Had a great start by having an encounter with God on Monday. New vision. Studied with Edwin, intertwining it with assisting Huimin and Kailing on the making a new look for their business blog. Then had a great time of fellowship and movie together with my members such as elaine, carolyn, yiliang, kim and wan xiu. I felt great spending time with my own spiritual family members, it is like giving yourself strength haha. Caught Evan Almighty with them already.

Even though Evan is not as good as Bruce(Jim Carrey) , well let's just not dwell on the short comings shall we? I read the critics' view on the movie and they say it sucked. I personally felt that it's quite a touching movie... how the promise is portrayed and fulfilled, how the love is portrait in practical ways in relatioship. I think it is because of all the underlining meanings and values that it brings across that I have come to approve this movie. Pirates of the Carribean. Harry Potter, even Spider man 3 didn't come to my expectation even as blockbuster movie, and here come Evan and I approve of it. What to do? A women heart is like a needle to look for in a ocean. Just felt great that I finally enjoyed a show and it's a treat from Yiliang~ muahaha. Well, in conclusion this show is fine for me. After all, how wrong can a movie go if it is portraiting some good values of living? At least there is a moral at the end of the story...

I personally thought of catching the thriller Premonition...it seems quite interesting. It's like a detective movie where you trace clues and you have to figure out stuff to finally find the answer you are looking for. The fact that the story is(again) build on the love of a wife for her husband, makes the story seems more personal and heart touching as it is base on a close love. SO... i might just use my *only movie voucher on this show. Then again, I am still looking around... you know just to be sure I make a wise decision on the free movie ticket..haha...

end of the story? I am a happy and fulfilled lady this week, so far.^_^ Though I felt I can do more if I could brush up on my time management and my rest time.

That's about all for now. "DO what is right~"..tata~

Reasons I didn't blog

2007-09-05T00:33:00.000+08:00

Once again, here's the season where everybody will try to justify themselve for not being a faithful blogger and write their every post periodically.

My Reasons for not blogging:

1) There's simply too much moodiness weighing down my pen, oops I mean fingers.

2) There's simply too many bad times to make me moody recently

3) There's simply too many occurence to contribute to the "bad times" list

4) What's the point of writing down any bad things that will only makes you angrier and especially when you are trying hard to forget and put it behind and there's no lesson you need to learn from it?

neh there goes a bit of anger leaking, unjustified.

Precisely, I dun want to release unjustified anger.

However, since I am blogging now that only proves that there is obviously something worthy for me to blog finally right? not really la just playing with words. hahaha.

I'll just continue with updating my recent life then.

Firstly, Life is NOT boring.
BUT Free from work IS BORING.

Some might think I am a workaholic, seriously I am not. In fact I am still quite lazy at times and that is precisely why I look like a workaholic- to become diligent, esp in my talents and gifts.
I mean how many can realise their dream and make it come to pass? you can count with your fingers. And that is what I wanna do - to be one of them.

Since I am without a job, it signifies a brand new beginning where I can start over again breaking and bonded by God to be my best for Him. Even though I have been job seeking for one month now, it's be fruitful every week. Catching up and building my relationship with the people around me. Received valuable teaching and pricking from God in all my short comings and overcoming them now that I am aware of them even more. There's just so many things to fulfill and be perfected everyday. Step by step, i feel that my breakthrough is near. Not because I feel it, but because I know my God told me so. I look forward to walking deeper in Him who love me unconditionally every single day no matter what I go through. Cos, that's the only that matters now.

season for sowing : Be a doer, action speaks louder than words. WORK!

Hicccups

2007-08-27T23:18:00.000+08:00

Life's hiccups.

How do you define them?

They are short,
they are irritating,
they tact along with you wherever you go.

But the good thing about them is that they stop.
and they make you realise how good your life was before w/o them, and how good your life can be after them.

Figuratively and literally.
haha...

Give me a job!

2007-08-24T01:46:00.000+08:00

give me a job!!!

Living day by day

2007-08-22T03:21:00.000+08:00

Living day by day.

Praying for the day of miracle

who will listen to my prayers and cries late at night?

who will confort my broken soul?

Isn't you, the One the lives and will always live,

Reign and will always reign,

giving glory to your Name is how I live each day,

You will be my refuge in times of valley,

and I will give you Praise on the mountain tops

Giving all to see your Kingdom come

i will live to see Your Glory reign

Help is here!

2007-08-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

Fifth day

2007-08-17T15:11:00.001+08:00

IT's my fifth day now as a job seeker.

I thought I would be rather slackened down because of all the free time that I would have due to the sudden and early release from my previous job.

But it's been a good week! I get to finally do-- ok maybe not do but think through and clear my thoughts on all the things I want to do but have no time to plan or to execute, due to many self descipline reasons of cos. hehe.

As I took a slower pace in steps this week, I realise many things that I would not have thought about in those busy working life. I begin to take a step back and re-evaluate the value of my existence and all that I have been doing. And amazingly as His hands move as He will in my life, I begin to see things I have not seen, do the things that I've been neglecting, and spending time with the people that should be the utmost important in my life. He has lead me to rebuild all that I have been cowardly avoiding. Where do I find the strength and every single ounce of quality that allows me to begin to really live out right this week? How did it worked? I don't know I just trusted and prayed through every single circumstances that I went through and let God teach me to walk right with Him.

It feels good, and I know this is just the tip of the ice berg. There are greater grounds to conquer and greater glory to give Him, and I just can't help but to trust Him and give Him Praise.
It's so good to have God by your side when you know all things will fall apart, but He is still the same and that gives peace to me, cos I know if He is still the same God, I know my help is near.

love u:)

Emotional Blackmailing

2007-08-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

I forgive.

self pity - a never ending cycle of feeling sorry for yourself

emotional self pity - allowing oneself to run wild in a neverending cycle of feeling sorry for oneself

blackmailing - intentionally threaten one's well being

emotional blackmailing - imposing ones emotional self pity on another's emotional state so that one can forcefully demand what he/she wishes ande desires from another.

stop freaking me out and become normal again. you choose who you want to be.

New Endeavours Awaits!

2007-08-11T18:58:00.000+08:00

ok, I don't sound as happy as I am.

In fact, I am still trying to "da bao" my feelings back to myself and "reformat" it for another new beginning.
It gets really tiring and upseting this time -- when you have been through like, four employemnt consecutively without resting?

I just want to study, just want to re-educate myself; feeding myself with new meat and veges. Balance and adequate diet, eating exactly what I need and stop wasting time!!!

Just let me lament, cos that's part of regenerating myself, recovering from such bad bosses. At my fit of anger, I wish I could just shout and put big poster out on orchard road screen where they watch soccer seasons every four years and put their names and company on it, outrightly proclaiming their evil deeds. Let everyone, every youth turn their heads at the sight of it, rebuke them for their self-serving actions and write peditions to pull down such injustice.

Yet we live our lives not on injustice but on the very core values we uphold(though some have none, haha!) everyday of our lives.
So, here is to the injustice made to me by whom owns that company and live their lives selfishly:

You live your life deligently,
I admire you for you live sowing
and knows that you wil reap is in time to come.

I thank you for your willingness to teach,
Willingness to give your guidance
and effort made to make things work effectively

So I bless you in the things you do well
And I asked my Lord Jesus to help you
in the things you are not

May you know His Love before your time.

Bible say for those who do not welcome you

take you peace with you and shake off the very dust from your feet
from their place.

So I wil go my way to the place where they will receive me and give them our peace.

I'm Back!!!!

2007-08-09T15:08:00.001+08:00

Firstly I want to say sorry to xiao yuan, wasn't around for quite awhile. Though I duon't know who you are but I guess I'll get to aquaint with you soon haha...

Yes, I am back. After I found a new job, after I realise is suck with a capital S and after I've decided to quit it like just yesterday.

Yupz things have been a little rocky here and there, I wouldn't even want to talk about the "sipirt filled" journey I have been through least anyone freaked out. But God is Good, real good I have never felt so close to Him and I have got a hunch that there are better things to come.
I truly realise what it means to go thru some big "shits" and yet felt such serene peace in your heart.

Now I am preparing my heart to embark on a new journey again, Trusting that my Jesus will lead me to a better place, save up for my design course and study in the best provided school I could even be -- in one or two years time that is.

Sometimes its ironic to feel that you really need patience to see through your dreams and yet on the other hand, you feel that everything around happen so quickly that you feel a little hard to catch up.

Nevertheless, life still goes on. :)

Thanks Miranda for be there for me always when I needed you the most everytime.

and I miss Ms Miao and Ms Kee and the good old times I have with Mr water kueh.

Got a New Job!!!! ^ _ ^

2007-06-27T10:29:00.001+08:00

First day back to society

2007-06-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

Tooth aches... leave me in me room for almost seven days.

Since last Wednesday, my half-born wisdom tooth has been real bossy, pushing his fellow teeths around him. So on Thursday the rest of the teeths started a riot and set fires on the gum around him and causing a tension in the scene so big that its neighboring--my cheek, started to show its concern by announcing to the whole world with a growing bun that shows the circmference of the big riot inside. Audacious.

As the ruler and governor of my country body, how could I bear the pain of my people right?
So I went to take the in-born terrorist out of my beloved land.
$578 +++++ !!!

That's hw much a terrorist cost.

And of all time it had to happen immediately after a breakout of a financial crisis-De Retrenchment. Wouldn't you agree that it is a terror attack?!

Retrenchment...

2007-05-30T18:03:00.000+08:00

Never expected it in such sudden moments.

Birthday are meant to be happy

2007-05-29T11:14:00.000+08:00

foul mouth -- illness really strike

2007-05-04T15:26:00.000+08:00

Took MC (also known as Medical Certificate) yesterday. The day before that, I was thinking I could fully utilise the whole free day to do my stuff as I didn't felt that bad for an illness.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. BIG time. It suddenly turned bad almost like a straight vertical line off the chart. Couldn't concentrate on anything at all, so I just rested. A few friends called me during my sleeping time to ask how I was and stuff instead of smsing me. I was touch really, that some one cared. But.. u know its abit too much care shown, when people have sore throat and coughing deep with every few words which means that they are unfit even to talk at the moment and you just wouldn't hang up. haha...no worries about it to whomever u are. most prob you wouldn't even see this. Just in case u see this, dun worry I am ok with your unconditional love once in a while;)

By the way, there is this question in my head while I was pretty much considered unconscious because of the sickness. I realize that people tend to treat you tenderly and with more care when you are sick. It’s as if it is the advantage of being ill you know.
What causes people to react in such a way to sick people? It is because they can feel the uncomfort or the pain that you are going through so they empathize with you? Or is it the weakness of the frail appearance tends to make people sympathize you?
Like when you voice is going all haywire and you are too weak to even speak a little too loud cos’ you know it will hurt your throat. And therefore you got this frail but gentle voice, and they will give you this “aiyooooo” look on their face and ask you to drink more water and stuff. Why?

Whatever it is, it just felt like warmth. That when things happen people still cares, still wants to show their kindness, still like you to become well again out of the goodness of their hearts. I thank God for placing the people around me, you know. It felt like you are being well taken care of in everything.

Nevertheless, other than being sentimental and all, the "free" day wasn't totally wasted after all. I actually manage to get something out of it… literally.
Mum asked us out for dinner and promise to buy some shoes for us!
I was like, so weak but was like “YESSSSSSSSS!!!”(Of cause in the very trademark off key manner) because other than a few pairs of heels for work wear I almost have nothing else to where for my personal occasions.
So we did. Strangely we didn’t find any shoes we like (not our day), but still manage to end up with some nice stuff that we liked a lot. A tribute to my mum.

*^_^*Thank you Mummie* ^_^*

Yupz, she never fails to make your day. It felt nice being dote by her, even though I am such a rebellious “kid” to her. Its times like this it makes you feel the unconditional love of my mother. It’s experiential kind of feeling, not just the knowing. I mean other than Christ’s love; this is the best you can find in your life.

In fact my mum has been blessing again and again on many things and occasions.
I felt bad, because I know this comes from the scrimping. But then again I felt loved too, and I guess that’s what she wants me to feel at the end of the day. :) I yearned that day where she does not need to do that anymore.

On my way to recovery...

Distractions. Laziness. Procrastination.

2007-04-27T18:48:00.000+08:00

Yupz once again, it’s my ranting time. I am ranting that nowadays I dun even have time to rant! haha...I have got many plans and ideas in my mind. I have got many things I want to do. Yet my soul relents on the fact that there are so many distractions, sometimes it just seems hard to go on. Ironically, most of the distractions are self-inflicted. Such as the times I relent (again) on my focus of my goals and go for the wrong desires of my heart.

Such as eating chocolates like nobody business when I am suppose to be watchful of my weight

such as finding rest and comfort in the wrong places (like sleeping on office tables, trusting the wrong people)

such as times I just want to do my own things and have forgotten about the plans I have for myself

Then again, all this are discipline issues (which I super lack!).I think I am going to hire myself a Personal Discipline Master. ahahaha..

I once had a naggy one. He's good. Always have his appropriate ways on handling and managing all the things in his life. I admire him a lot. And it's for the same reason that I upset him quite a lot with all the disorderly behaviors, when we share our time together. I hope he won't start loathing me because of all the things that happen.

I am still trying you know. But he once said to me: ""Trying" is not an excuse, you have to do it." Since I am turning 22 in one month’s time, I can't agree more on that. In fact, I am a women racing with time now. Just gotta keep reminding myself that. And that I am so far behind as a person I think I have to use a rocket bomb to get me there. hahaha...I keep telling people it’s a journey you take, to transform into the person you wanna be. But how can you even talk about "journey" when you haven’t even started the race or have given up half way?

It felt like another warning call, that it's time to pick up the blatant again and start running in the direction. Especially with the Beijin Olympics coming and stuff.... ok suppose to be lame..anyway u know, u get the feel. hahaha.. What I meant is that especially when we are in such a time like this, each one of us is racing against time to give the best we can. Many want to be successful at a young age, but who can really do it?

It only depends on the individual.